If It Hadn't Been For Love
by wheredidtheygo
Summary: What happens when what started out as just fun and games turns into so much more? Tegan and Sara. Quincest. AU.
1. What Happened Last Night?

Tegan awakes with what she can only describe as the headache from Hell. Regret fills her when she opens her eyes, as she is staring directly into the sunlight glaring through her large, curtain-less window of her one bedroom apartment. She gags, all the alcohol she had drank last night immediately rushing up to her throat.

She flies out of bed and into the bathroom. Kneeling in front of the white, porcelain bowl she purges her stomach's contents. The smell making her retch even more. Knuckles turning white from the death grip she has on the toilet seat.

Behind her, a set of hands reach to hold her brown, shoulder length hair back and rubs soothing circles on her back. She flinches at the contact, unsure of who the comforting hands belong to.

Feeling significantly better, Tegan stands up and walks over to her small sink and messy counter. She examines herself in the mirror, eyes widening at what she sees. Her eyes are bloodshot, hair awry, shirt stretched out and hanging loose across her shoulders. Opening a drawer and digging through it, she finds what she is looking for. She quickly throws back the two advil to remedy her headache. She then reaches for her toothbrush, squeezing toothpaste onto it, and attempts to brush away the bad choices of last night. Last night. Her brain is fuzzy with the events. What the hell happened? Who came home with her?

She eyes the girl up through her mirror, trying to connect the dots. Nothing. At least she's cute. She vaguely reminds Tegan of herself, she was tiny and elf-like. She had piercing hazel eyes, the most pronounced jawline Tegan had ever seen, collar bones that stuck out beautifully, and a cute button nose, not unlike her own.

"Too many tequila shots last night, huh?" The girl chuckles when Tegan's eyes finally travel back up to meet her own.

"Uhmm.. hah.. I guess so. I'm sorry, but what's your name again?" She asks awkwardly.

"Sara. Sara Bell." She replies cheerfully.

"Right.. hi.. did we..uhh.. ya know..?" She motions between the two of them with her hand.

Sara lifts her shirt to reveal her flat stomach that is littered with hickeys and bite marks. She raises an eyebrow and points to Tegan's neck. Tegan turns around and examines her skin along the neck line of her shirt. She pulls it down slightly to reveal a trail of hickeys across her own neck and chest.

"Well I guess that answers that."

"You've got quite the mouth." Sara giggles, trailing her hand along her stomach reveling in the thoughts of of the past nights events in between Tegan's sheets.

"Mm, so i've been told. So why don't _you_ have a hangover?"

"_I_ didn't put six shots of tequila and god knows what else into my body."

"Touché." Tegan laughs. She likes this girl, but then again, she likes all girls. Perhaps a little too much, a little too often.

"Do you want to go get coffee or something?" She asks Sara, not quite ready for their exchange to be over.

"I'd love to."

Tegan walks back into her room, rummaging through the pile of clothes on her floor looking for something relatively clean to wear. She settles on a pair of denim skinny jeans and an old fitted tye-dye shirt and heads back to her bathroom while Sara politely waits on the bed. Once ready with wallets and keys in hand, they head out the door.

They walk silently to a nearby local cafe. Tegan walking slightly behind Sara, shamelessly checking her out along the way. Tegan was definitely an ass girl. She has to admit Sara's ass looks great in her wrinkled outfit from last night; a golden v-neck tee and jean shorts. They walk up to the door of the cafe, Tegan stepping ahead and grabbing to hold the door, getting one last glance at Sara's backside. They order and pay separately, an espresso for Sara, and a small chai tea latte for Tegan, and head to a small, secluded table in the back. Tegan isn't so sure she wants other people listening in on their conversation.

"So uh, do you go to the Uni down here or..?" Tegan questions. She isn't sure what to talk about, she doesn't usually take girls out the morning after bedding them. In fact, she can barely remember a time where she even talked to the girl the morning after. She either left their place in the early morning hours or they left hers before there was even a small chance of an encounter happening. It was easier to ignore them later on if she happened to see them in public. She wasn't looking for a relationship, just a little fun.

"Yeah.. I think we actually have a class together. Women's Studies on Tuesdays at 10 in room 238? I've seen you around before."

Sara knows for a fact that they have a class together. She's actually been checking Tegan out most of the semester. She'd first known about Tegan through rumors, which was that she got around, and was quite dominant. Sara is relatively dominant herself and has had her own fair share of partners, which betrays her sweet and innocent exterior, and she loves when someone is equal to her in the sheets. So when she noticed Tegan in that first day of class she knew she was going to hop on that. Literally.

"Oh right, sorry. I probably would've noticed you but i'm usually sleeping, or something." She takes a sip of her tea. She feels bad for not recognizing her, but it was true that she never pays attention to the professor or anyone around her.

"Is it weird if I ask you what happened last night?" Her fingers play with the lid of her tea, she feels awkward asking this question, but she is too curious not to.

Sara smirks and sets her coffee down, peering up at Tegan through her eyelashes.

"Not at all, I love telling a good story."

_Sara stands washing her hands in the bathroom of Rosie's Bar, wondering when her night is going to pick up when she notices Tegan come out of a stall and walk up to the sink next to hers. She quickly bows her head down, watching Tegan out of the corner of her eye._

_She's dressed in tight black skinny jeans and a navy blue printed tee with the sleeves cut off showing off her toned, smooth arms. She pays no attention to Sara, fixing her hair and smoothing the wrinkles out of her shirt. She lowers her head and focuses on cleaning her hands._

_Sara clears her throat, hoping to subtly get her attention._

_Tegan's ears perk and she moves her gaze upward. She looks Sara up and down, making no effort to hide what she is doing. She smirks when she catches Sara's eye._

_"Like what you see?" Sara raises an eyebrow at her._

_"Totally, and I'd love to see more. I'm Tegan." She smiles._

_"Sara," she nods. "Well Tegan, buy me a drink and maybe, if you're lucky." Sara winks and walks out of the bathroom, swinging her hips as she goes._

_Tegan is intrigued and a little turned on by this woman and her brazen attitude, usually that was her thing. She follows Sara out, knowing she isn't leaving this bar alone._

_She sees Sara sitting at the bar, presumably waiting for her. She walks up to her and leans on the bar, their shoulders touching._

_"So what do you drink?"_

_"Beer."_

_Tegan nods, turning to the bartender, ordering Sara's beer and a rum and coke for herself._

_The night wears on, Tegan drinking significantly more than Sara. Apparently Tegan is quite popular with everyone as each time a group of people comes in that she knows, she takes a shot with them. Six may not be much for some, but for someone so little she is getting very drunk, very fast. Sara doesn't mind, drunk girls are usually more fun, so long as they don't puke on her._

_Tegan is continuously getting closer and closer to Sara, always touching her in some way, though still mostly innocent at this point. She leans in behind Sara, her hot breath snaking across Sara's neck and the smell of alcohol creeping into her nose. Intoxicating._

_"So you wanna dance?" Tegan slurs._

_Sara grabs Tegan's hand and leads her to the dance floor. She stands in front of Tegan, placing Tegan's hands on her waist, her own on top of hers, and begins grinding into Tegan's crotch. Tegan's fingers dig into Sara's hips and her breasts are pressed firmly against her back. Sara tries to hold in the moan that is wriggling up her throat when she tilts her head back, giving Tegan the perfect angle to attack her soft, creamy neck with her mouth. Tegan can feel the vibration of the moan and smiles against Sara's neck, knowing she's won yet again._

"_So I guess I can consider myself lucky then, yeah?" She purrs in Sara's ear._

"_Mmm, you're lucky all right. Let's get out of here."_

_Sara again grabs Tegan's hand, leading her and weaving them through the crowd and out into the cool night air._

"Well, i'm sure you can figure out the rest, given your reputation and—"

"Reputation?" Tegan interrupts.

"Yeah, you're kind of known for 'hitting and quitting it' with girls around campus."

Tegan isn't surprised by this information. She has never had a real girlfriend, friends with benefits, sure, but she's never been in love. She's also not ashamed of her actions. Sex is just sex, in her opinion. It makes her feel good, so why not have it as often as she can?

"And you still went home with me?"

"Why not? I'm hot, you're hot, and the sex was hot.. not that you remember, of course."

Tegan still couldn't get over the forwardness of this girl. Usually the girls she messed around with were quiet and obvious bottoms, and she could easily wrap them around her finger. Taking all, giving nothing. She likes this change of pace though, it turns her on.

"Well maybe we'll just have to have another go?" She offers suggestively.

"Why Tegan, are you asking me out on a date?" Sara feigns surprised flattery, placing her hand on her chest and forming her mouth into an 'o' shape.

"Oh no, no, I don't do dates and I don't do girlfriends." Tegan protests.

"I don't do girlfriends either, too much work, but there's nothing wrong with a little fun before the actual fun." Sara argues.

"Oh yeah? Prove it."


	2. Mary Jane and Beer

_One week later..._

Sara steps out onto the fire escape on the top floor of her apartment building. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. The sounds of traffic, people milling about on the streets, and sirens in the distance filling her ears. The smell of the many restaurants creeping up through her nostrils. She melted into the feeling of the city around her, making her feel calm.

She opens her eyes and looks back into the open door that leads into her kitchen. She smiles sweetly at Tegan who stands watching her from inside, she smiles hesitantly back. Sara breaks their gaze, picks up the heavy backpack at her feet, and puts her arms through each strap. She tilts her head in a motion for Tegan to follow her.

Tegan walks outside, standing next to Sara. A light breeze blows her hair into her face, and she moves to tuck it behind her ear, but not before Sara's own hand does it for her causing her to blush. She chances a glance down through the barred platform beneath her feet, her stomach dropping at how far she is from the ground.

"Where are we going?" Tegan asks nervously. She doesn't trust Sara, she has only known her a week, and isn't sure she wants to go somewhere that wouldn't let them use the normal entrance/exit into a building.

"Up. You're not afraid of heights are you?"

"I'm not afraid of anything." Tegan puffs out her chest, not one to show weakness.

Sara lifts her eyebrows and giggles at her silly action.

"Good. Follow me."

The pair walk across the narrow metal fire escape to the back side of the building. Sara stops when they reach a small ladder leading up to the roof.

"You first." Tegan eyes the ladder skeptically.

Sara grabs one of the higher rungs with both hands and steps onto the lowest one. She begins climbing, stopping half way. Peering down, she spots Tegan staring at her round, plump bum in her form fitting jeans.

"It's cute, isn't it?" She snickers.

To some, her cockiness may be off putting but Tegan is loving it. She raises her hand and gives it light smack before Sara resumes her ascent, now out of Tegan's reach.

Once Sara reaches the top, Tegan steps up onto the ladder. She stays there, taking deep breaths and giving herself a small pep talk that it's okay and to not look down. She hopes Sara isn't watching her. She starts to move up slowly, hoping her sweaty hands won't make her slip. She makes it up safely, and sees Sara standing by the ledge, on the opposite side.

Tegan takes a moment to take in the landscape of the roof, it was extremely spacious. There were two rows of windows that stuck up about 4 feet and angling in slightly to where you could sit on them if you wanted, creating the skylight that ran through the entryway and hallways of the apartment inside.

She walks over to Sara and stands next to her, admiring the large, beautiful view of the city.

"Wow, nice view."

"Yeah? It's not the only up here." Sara turns her head to look at Tegan, her eyes twinkling.

Tegan chuckles and shakes her head, moving behind Sara. She unzips the backpack and grabs two beer bottles out, handing one to Sara.

She clinks the neck of her bottle against Sara's and raises it in the air.

"Here's to, hopefully, remembering getting it on."

Six beers later, the two lay side by side staring up at the barely visible stars, hidden by the city's lights and pollution, giggling at nothing in particular.

Tegan stretches out her limbs, sitting up. She throws a leg over Sara's body, straddling her, her bum resting on her thighs.

"I have a surprise." Tegan smiles, looking down at Sara.

"Yeah?" Sara asks curiously, leaning up on her elbows.

Reaching into her back pocket, Tegan grabs her cigarette case. She flips it open to reveal a neat little row of white joints.

"I hope you smoke." Tegan says, gently taking one out and placing it between her lips.

"Hey now, be polite."

Sara takes the joint out of Tegan's mouth and places it between her own lips. She looks at Tegan expectantly, waiting for her to light it up. Tegan grabs her lighter and sparks it, holding it in front of the joint. The end of the joint turns a bright orange and Sara inhales deeply. She holds the smoke in her lungs while she removes the joint from her mouth and hands it to Tegan. Tilting her head back, she blows out a thick cloud of smoke. Her mind already feeling a bit cloudy.

Tegan mirrors Sara's actions, only releasing the smoke in thick, perfect smoke rings. She takes another hit. Her hand rests on Sara's shoulder and she leans forward. She opens her mouth and places it over Sara's own parted lips and exhales the smoke. She begins to lean back but Sara grabs tight fistfuls of Tegan's shirt and brings her back to her lips.

With their senses heightened from the drug, their tongues sloppily and hurriedly explore each other's mouths. Sara's lithe fingers sneak up under Tegan's shirt and draw lazy patterns under her breasts, across her ribs. She feel's the goosebumps erupt on Tegan's skin and she drags her nails all the way down to her hips.

Tegan moans and pulls back, their lips protesting at being disconnected. She's too high and her core is on fire just from that little action, she doesn't want things to go too quickly. She stands and goes over to the skylight and lays against one of the windows.

Sara takes one more hit and joins Tegan by the window.

"Problem?" Sara asks.

"No..no.. just a little overstimulated."

Sara presses her hands against the glass on either side of Tegan's face, placing most of her body weight atop her, and leans in close to her ear and breathily whispers, "Mm, and that's a bad thing?"

Tegan can only whimper as Sara lightly bites and licks her ear and down her neck.

Her hands once again snake under Tegan's shirt, drawing light shapes, leaving fire in their wake. Forgetting about not wanting to go too fast, Tegan lifts her body up so Sara can slip her hands to Tegan's back and undo the clasp of her bra, pushing the material up, giving her access to Tegan's soft, perky breasts.

Her thumbs skim across each of the quickly hardening buds, tingles shooting to Tegan's fingertips and toes. Her mind has gone blank and she can only focus on the feeling of Sara working her into a puddle.

"Mmph.. oh god.. tongue, use your tongue." Tegan lazily demands, attempting to pull her shirt up when Sara swats her hands away and does it herself. She'll be damned if she thinks she can take charge of Sara's game.

With the fabric bunched up across her collar bones, her breasts are exposed to the cool night air. Sara places one more kiss on Tegan's lips, sucking the bottom lip between her teeth and pulling back before releasing and moving her head lower. She flattens her tongue against Tegan's skin, dragging it slowly in the valley of her lush breasts. She licks across to her right, swirling her tongue and zoning in on Tegan's nipple, giving it a light bite before soothing it with her tongue.

Sara's hands move down to Tegan's jeans while her mouth works over to her left breast. She can feel Tegan squirm under her and hear her groan with impatience. Mentally patting herself on the back she finds her way back to Tegan's lips. Their eyes lock while Sara's fingers toy with the button and zipper of her pants. She slowly pulls down the tight jeans and underwear to her knees.

Sara grins wickedly as she cups Tegan's mound with her left hand, feeling the warmth and wetness radiating off of her. With her right hand, she reaches for one of the empty beer bottles on the ground. She brings it to her lips, licking from the bottom of the neck to the opening, never breaking their eye contact. Tegan's eyes are so glazed over with lust and from the pot, Sara wonders if she's even focusing on her at all.

Holding the bottle at Tegan's pussy, Sara slowly glides the top of it up her slit. The cold, foreign sensation seems to bring Tegan out of her trance and her eyes widen for a second before she remembers to not show fear and telling herself it's no different than her hairbrush or a dildo. The fear seems to leave her as soon as the bottle is pushed into her dripping entrance, and she lets out a low, pleasurable moan.

With her head hidden in the crook of Tegan's neck, Sara grins triumphantly, most girls would have objected to this and she can feel her own core start to dampen. Tegan's hips roll to meet her slow, steady movements of the bottle neck working in and out of her. Sara picks up her pace tenfold, moving her whole body. Her own pussy grinds against Tegan's thigh, their bodies moving in rhythm, Tegan's breasts swaying up and down, her moans getting louder.

"M-more." Tegan pants out.

"You wanna take it all?"

Tegan nods frantically in response.

Sara's shocked by this, but there's no way in hell she'll deny her the request. She stands up and removes Tegan's bottom clothing all the way. She grabs each leg and pushes them up and out, spreading Tegan further apart, her glistening cunt exposed to the heavens. She picks the bottle back up and easily inserts it up to the bottom of the neck. She's met with resistance as she forces it further but the deep guttural moan that escapes Tegan tells her she better not fucking stop.

Tegan's nails dig into her own thighs and Sara's jaw drops in awe as the bottle all but disappears inside of her. She resumes her previous pace, unable to avert her gaze elsewhere, though the oblivious man walking through the 2nd level hall doesn't go unnoticed, at the incredible sight in front of her. She's afraid she'll cum even before Tegan does.

Tegan's on cloud nine, eyes rolling into the back of her head, her lips pulling into a small smile with gasps and quiet moans escaping every second. Her hips raise completely in the air, thrusting to meet Sara's movements. She feels the pressure starting to build in her lower stomach and her eyes snap shut in concentration.

"Oh- ohh fuck.. Sar.. SAARAAAA" Tegan screams at the top of her lungs, the birds on the roof flying away in terror.

Her orgasm surges through her, locking her body in place, the bottle forced out of her, clattering to the ground. The hair on the back of her neck stands up, and her juices are spilling out of her and running down the glass window.

She's sure that just shot to the top of the list of best orgasms ever had, by anyone.

A minute passes before Tegan can even open her eyes and begin to relax. She's met with Sara's eyes watching her, mouth practically pouring with drool. Her cheeks flush even more, and she gives her a sly smile.

Sara snaps out of it and remembers her own release and how close she is. Tegan doesn't even have time to think about how to return the favor when Sara grabs her hand and shoves it down her own pants. Her hand rests on top of Tegan's and she guides them to her throbbing clit. They work tight, quick circles and Sara braces herself with a hand against the window. Only mere seconds pass before she feels it.

"Ohhh my gooooood." She cries out as her head falls onto Tegan's bare chest and her body convulses in spasms of pleasure.

"Holy shit." Tegan mutters after a few moments of their collective efforts to regain their breath.

Sara grins against Tegan's chest and lifts her head, her sweaty cheek sticking to Tegan's equally sweaty skin. She looks into Tegan's eyes, her grin turning cocky.

"So did I prove you wrong?"


	3. It's All too Much

Tegan and Sara fell into an easy pattern after that night on Sara's rooftop three months ago. They could only be described as what some would call "fuck buddies". They both agreed, especially on Tegan's part, that they were just having fun. No strings attached. Sure, they had become friends over the months but nothing ever got too heavy. They'd chat about superficial things while watching a movie, work on homework, or go get drinks together but it almost always ended in sex.

They were like rabbits, fucking anywhere and anytime they could. Tegan even managed to take Sara during an extremely boring lecture in class one day. It was risky, but it turned them both on to no end. Not to mention it was a very useful stress reliever for the stressful school semester.

But, with most 'friends with benefits' situations, one ends up falling in love. The unfortunate predicament fell upon Sara. She can't even remember the precise moment it happened, it just did. Maybe it was the way Tegan poked fun at her little quirks she had gotten used to, or how sometimes she'd hold Sara during the short post-coital bliss before she'd up and leave.

Lately though, their situation has become too much of a routine for Sara, and she's all but checked out. The excitement is beginning to wear off, her cockiness is fading, and she's always left wanting more. To find Tegan still in her bed when she wakes up in the morning. Or her to kiss her in public just because. But it won't happen. Yet she won't stop what they have, for what if Tegan does feel the same? She knows that's not likely, but your heart can convince your brain of anything if you want it bad enough.

Sometimes at night she ponders the different situations that would result in her revealing her feelings. Maybe one day she'll get the courage and do it. Fat chance, though.

Currently, she is lying in her bed of her tiny studio apartment. It's 1:30 in the morning on a Saturday and she has just curled up into her blankets, feeling content that she's spending a night in, alone. She goes to grab her book off her nightstand when her phone buzzes. She sighs, moving to grab her phone instead.

She squints at the too bright screen. 1 New Text: Tegan Quin, it reads. She groans, unraveling herself from her blankets and heading to the small bathroom, attempting to make herself presentable. She brushes her teeth and attempts to comb through her short brown locks.

She flips the phone open, reading the text.

"You busy?", it displays. Even the playful texting has dwindled, and Sara feels her mood begin to plummet.

"Not really. Are you coming over?" She replies, unable to find the courage to tell Tegan no.

"Yeah, i'll be there in like, 10."

"K. Door's open, just come in."

Sara snaps her phone shut and walks to her equally small kitchen. Everything about this place is so small. She feels suffocated. She wants to get out, but she's trapped. How was she going to deal with being around Tegan? She's afraid she'll let something slip. That would be bad, right?

She opens the cupboard, grabs two mugs, and slams them down on the counter. Sara searches her kitchen for anything to drink. When did it get so bare in here? She settles on old packets of instant hot chocolate. She fills the cups with water and sticks them in microwave. Satisfied that the water's hot enough she takes them out and dumps the powder in. She watches as the powder clouds the clear water and sinks in clumps that stick to the bottom of the cup. She feels like one of those clumps.

Sara hears the door click open as she brings the cup to her lips, startling her and causing her to burn her lips on the hot chocolatey liquid. She wonders how her peaceful night in could have gone downhill so quickly.

"Sara?" Tegan calls from the entryway.

"Kitchen!"

Tegan walks through the oddly laid out apartment to the kitchen doorway at the edge of the makeshift bedroom. She sees Sara leaning against the counter, cup in hand, staring at nothing. She reaches for the other cup sitting on the counter, assuming it is for her. They stand in silence, sipping from their cups.

A few odd minutes pass before Tegan sets her cup down and reaches to do the same with Sara's. She presses her body flush against Sara's, attaching their lips. Their tongues fall into a familiar rhythm, both giving and taking equally. Tegan moves her hands down Sara's body, stopping at her thighs. She gives them each a squeeze, eliciting a small moan from Sara. Sara grips Tegan's waist and pulls her even closer. Even with all the frustrations she's dealing with in her head, her body can't help but want this.

Their lips never breaking contact, Tegan lifts Sara up onto the counter. Her hands snake up under Sara's thin wife-beater, kneading her breasts slowly, pinching each nipple until they are stiff.

Growing impatient, Sara reaches for the hem of her tank and rips it off herself.

"Just fuck me." She grunts with masked lust, just wanting to get this over with.

Tegan complies, roughly shoving her right hand down Sara's boxers, her left hand still playing with her breasts. Two fingers dip down to collect the juices at her entrance, and are brought back up to her throbbing button. Tegan works fast, hard circles across her clit, her whole arm aiding in the movement. Sara's head falls back, exposing her neck glistening with sweat, her breathing gaining speed. Tegan wastes no time in attacking her neck with her broad, wet tongue. Sara tries to focus on only the feelings of Tegan's hands and mouth, begging her body to find the release it's searching.

Sara's hands blindly search the counter for anything to grasp onto when she feels the pressure building.

She comes quickly, but it isn't satisfying. She wants to cry, if she can't actually, wholly have the girl can she not at least enjoy the bits she gets?

Tegan removes her hand from inside Sara's boxers and wipes it off on them. Sara tilts her head back up and searches for her top, putting it back on, feeling much too vulnerable. She can feel herself breaking down, the sob in her throat trying to break free.

Tegan steps over to the sink to wash her hands.

"So did you start that paper for class yet?" She asks Sara, who remains sitting on the counter, arms across her chest, holding each elbow.

The sob breaks free at Tegan's nonchalance over the situation. Her hands fly to her mouth, attempting to catch the sound and shove it back down her throat. Her eyes pooling with tears, she lowers her head, hoping that if she can't see Tegan, then she can't see her. She just sits there, unsure of what to do and terrified of Tegan's reaction. How could she have let that slip?

"Uhm..Sara? Are you okay?" Tegan hesitantly asks, stepping back in front of Sara.

Sara peeks up at Tegan, who looks genuinely concerned, she figures she might as well get this over with, her mind blank of any other excuse. She takes a deep breath and straightens her shoulders, looking at Tegan.

"Not really, it's just... this whole thing.. with us and you.. and I-I just.." She stammers.

"You want more." Tegan finishes for her, figuring that's why Sara's been a bit distant lately.

All Sara can do is nod.

Tegan takes a deep breath, hating that they're about to have this conversation.

"Look, I really like you Sara, and you're the closest girl i've ever been to- even if it has been mostly physical. If I could I would, but I just can't have a girlfriend and I can definitely not be someone's girlfriend. You can do better than me." Tegan explains.

"Why?" Sara rolls her eyes, her sadness turning into anger. What a cliche excuse.

"I'm just really messed up with some things," Tegan paces around the tiny room. "It's a long story you don't want to hear."

"I do want to hear."

"Okay... It's not something that I really want to tell."

Tegan remains distant from people for a reason, and she has no desire to stop now. She doesn't like to talk about her past, and she doesn't like people to know about it. She knows Sara cares about her, but she doesn't even think it is physically possible for her to talk about it. She'd accepted years ago that that's how it would always be and that she'd probably end up alone due to it.

Sara crosses her arms in anger. What could be so bad that she has to keep so hidden? Sara has her own demons, of course, but to that extent? She isn't so sure.

The air around them becomes stagnant as the silence coats itself around the entire room. Tegan stands frozen, feeling as if she has stepped into wet cement that is now drying, keeping her trapped there forever.

She reaches a hand out to place on Sara's bare, bony knee, which is still dangling over the counter's edge. Sara recoils at the contact, too mixed up with the waterfall of thoughts in her brain splashing down into her heart. The thoughts manifesting themselves physically, leaking out of her eyes in salty tears.

Tegan's hand falls back to rest at her side. She sighs, fighting back tears of her own now. She reaches her hand out again, flicking her eyes to Sara's for a quick second. She sees the hurt, confusion, anger, and ...love? in her eyes before looking back down, her hand following suit.

"I'm sorry Sar, I ju-just.." Her voice cracks. "I'm sorry."

She waits for any kind of reaction from Sara, who remains still with her head down, tears falling onto her legs.

Feeling defeated, Tegan makes her way to the front door, shutting it quietly behind her. Her grip remains on the door knob as she leans against the wood, contemplating going back inside. She wants to fix things but feels there is nothing that can be done right now that wouldn't make it worse. She decides it is better for the both of them to be alone right now.

She walks down the four flights of stairs, trailing her fingers across the walls as she goes, and out the door into the warm evening air. She chances a glance up at Sara's window to see her watching her, face coated in pain. It's that face that makes her remember why she never gets herself into these situations, it always gets to be too much and there's never a happy ending. Yet she knows that if she could go back in time, she would do it all over again.

Tegan shrugs her shoulders in defeat at Sara, who remains unmoving, just watching her. This wasn't what either planned their night to be. Tegan turns around, runs her fingers through her hair, and begins the short, quiet walk back to her place.


	4. Tegan's Past

The doorbell rings throughout the apartment, breaking the heavy concentration Sara had working on her paper. She wondered who would possibly be visiting her so late on a school night. Her chair screeched across the hard wood floor as she scooted back, walking over to the door.

She peeked through the peephole to find an exhausted looking Tegan staring back at her. She hesitated, unsure of what to do. It'd been a week since their mishap and neither had said or done anything towards each other. Sara opens the door halfway, standing in front of it, blocking Tegan from entering just yet. She waits for Tegan to speak up.

"Hi." Tegan says to the ground.

Sara rolls her eyes and moves to close the door but Tegan slides her tiny figure between Sara and the door.

"Wait, Sara. Fuck. Just let me try that again," She looks at Sara, who motions for her to continue, clearly annoyed. "I'm sorry about that night, and i've done a lot of thinking. I don't know if i'll be able to let you in to every part of me or that I won't screw up but I miss you and I want this. I want to try. With you."

"Really?" Sara attempts to hide the grin forming on her face.

She nods, cupping Sara's face in her hands and placing the gentlest kiss on her lips. Sara's heart flutters at the sensation, she's never felt something like that before. Something like... love. And pure happiness.

She smiles. She got the girl.

_Beep beep beep beep beep._

A hand swoops down to shut the alarm clock off. Sara groans and rubs her eyes with balled up fists. She opens them to be surrounded by her empty apartment. No Tegan, no happiness. It was just a dream. A fucking dream.

The tears immediately begin to roll down her cheeks, her body automatically curling into the fetal position.

It's been a little over two weeks since the two have had any contact. The only times they've seen each other are during class and even then they avoid any acknowledgement of the other and sit at opposite sides of the room.

Sara has no idea what to do about the situation. She understands that they weren't overly close emotionally, but if Tegan actually likes her back she can't think of what could be so bad that would not allow them to be together. She just wants answers, but doesn't know how to ask the questions.

Tegan feels like it is up to her to fix the situation. She feels that the only way to do that though is to open up to Sara, but she's not sure she can and doesn't even know how to go about it if she were to. How does she know that Sara is worth it? Her mind reminds her of the tortured dreams and the inability to get her out of her mind are signs that she probably is. She makes her decision, she's going to talk to Sara.

She grabs her phone and types out a quick text, "I'm sorry. Can we talk?", and hits send.

Four days have passed since Sara received the text from Tegan. She hasn't responded, though she's typed out many different replies. She isn't sure how to reply. She doesn't want to sound desperate but she doesn't also want to be a huge bitch. She decides to wait and see if Tegan will say anything else.

She does. She's hanging out with her friend Jessie when she gets it.

"I'm sorry Sara. If you want, meet me at the cafe tonight at 8."

The cafe. The one where Sara agreed to see Tegan a second time. If she wouldn't have, none of this would be happening now.

She shuts her phone, not bothering to say anything, and puts it in her pocket but not before Jessie has time to notice who it is and what it says.

"You should really talk to her, Sara."

"Why? She obviously doesn't trust me or care enough to want to be with me."

"You don't know that. You don't even know what she's dealing with. If you just give her a chance to explain–"

"Christ, Jessie. Whose side are you even on?"

"Yours, dumbass. Which is why I think you should hear her out, maybe things will go your way. At least let her know you won't be at the cafe. Do you really want her sitting there all alone, even in more pain? I know even you're not that cruel."

"Fine, whatever."

The night is not going how Sara planned. She wanted a nice, stress free movie night with a friend, and she can't even get that.

She pulls her phone back out of her pocket and taps out a short message.

"Sorry, Tee." Send.

Tegan expected Sara not to meet her, so she came up with a plan B. She leaves the cafe and heads towards Sara's apartment. She stands outside her door with the envelope in hand. She has no intention of delivering it face to face, but she's still nervous. She bends down and forces the envelope through the crack at the bottom of the door. She returns to her full height and makes one quick knock on the door with her knuckles before hastily walking back to the stairs and out of the building.

Both Sara and Jessie's heads whip around to the door, breaking their focus on the TV, and notice the paper lying on the ground. Sara hops off her bed and goes to examine it. She picks up the crinkled envelope and turns it over in her hands. She's proofread enough of Tegan's papers to know that the quick, messy 'Sara' written on it is her handwriting.

"What is it?" Jessie's curiosity is peaked.

"Something from Tegan.." She mutters, her mind elsewhere. Tegan is here, she thinks. She grabs the door handle and jerks it open, sticking her head out the door and peering into the hallway. Empty. She runs to her window and throws open the curtains. She sees Tegan's tiny figure getting even tinier as she's walking away. It's the closest they've been besides class in weeks and her heart beats fiercely in her chest.

"Well? Are you going to open it or not?"

"Huh? Oh. Yeah... yeah." Sara uses her thumb to rip open the top of the envelope and she pulls out the letter. Her hands shake as she unfolds it and begins to read.

_Sara,_

_ I know I probably sound like a broken record, but i'm sorry. I hope you'll give me a chance and just read this. If not, then I guess we'll just have to forget about each other because I don't know what else to do. I hope that won't be the case though._

_ I suppose I should explain why I said I couldn't be with you, and please know that this letter doesn't mean i'm changing my mind about that. I still think that i'm not emotionally ready to be in a relationship, and that i'll only end up hurting you more and you deserve better than that. But I really hope you'll understand that this is me making an effort for you because this is something i've never told anyone, I barely even admit it to myself._

_Okay so.._

_I grew up in foster care, and it was shit. I bounced around to so many families, it never gave me a chance to even want to get close to the family or make any friends. It's not that they were abusive or bad situations, it was just nothing ever permanent and that is something a child needs, stability._

_Well when I was 12 I got adopted by what seemed to be a great family. I was so happy because it was unusual for a child so old to get adopted. They had their own son, Jared, that was 15, and I really looked up to him. He'd let me hang out with him and taught me about what it was like to have a family. I was happy. About a year after i'd been with them, Jared started to change. He wouldn't spend as much time with me, he started skipping school, and I was pretty sure he was getting into drugs. I mostly ignored how he acted because I loved and trusted him. But he just kept getting worse as the months wore one, and eventually he started to emotionally abuse me whenever I tried to talk or be around him. He'd always bring up my adoption and how I wasn't really apart of the family, that Mom and Dad were doing it for the money, call me names, and all this shit. And I believed him- how could I not? I was hurt, of course, but I thought I could handle the verbal abuse. Then things started to get physical, he'd start pushing me around or hitting me if I didn't do what he said- like his chores around the house. He'd force me to do all of his schoolwork, and it was so hard. I was 3 years behind him in school, but I did it anyway because I couldn't say anything to anyone. Each time I would fail an assignment, he'd hit me more, and if I cried, he'd hit me harder. It sounds silly, but I was just a kid. I was so spineless. I don't know how our parents hadn't known, but they didn't. I believed they would side with him anyway because he was their biological child, I was just some kid living in their house. Part of me didn't even want to tell though because I loved Jared and I thought he loved me. I felt like him abusing me was better than him not being there at all. I know now that I was wrong but I didn't know then. If that's what love was, then I accepted it._

_Eventually he moved out when he was 18 and I only had to deal with him when he made his rare visits, but whenever he was gone, I missed him. I felt so fucked up, loving him even though he treated me like shit. And I believed that that was what love was. _

_It didn't help that i'd already felt abandoned by my birth parents, I still don't know anything about them. I haven't talked to or seen him in a couple years and I barely have contact with my adoptive parents. I just never really learned what a proper family was or what it was like to be rightly loved and to love someone._

_ I still haven't gotten completely over all of it. I know now that he obviously didn't love me, and that's not how you treat people you love. It's hard for me to get close to and trust people though because how do I know they won't turn out to be the same? I couldn't go through that again. I'm still fucked up, Sara. If we were to be together, I'd be emotionally detached and just shitty. I won't do that to you. But if you'd let me, i'd like to try to be friends, and maybe in the future there could be an us, but just not right now._

_ I'm sorry if this was a jumbled mess and vague, it's just... hard. But i'm trying._

_ I'm sorry, _

_ Tegan_

Sara's fists tighten around the paper, wrinkling it even more. She feels like such an asshole. This whole time she was having her own pity party and ignoring Tegan when she was dealing with this.

She can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to carry that baggage around every day.

"I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. Tegan. I'm sorry." She whispers to herself over and over again, paralyzed in her spot in the living room.

"Sara..? Sara, is everything okay?" Jessie gently asks, walking over to where she stands.

Sara throws her arms around Jessie, her body shaking as she cries into Jessie's shoulders.

"God Jessie, I'm such a bitch. She's fucking dealing with this," Sara throws the arm grasping the letter in the air, shaking it violently. "And i'm just prancing around like a little bitch all because some girl said she doesn't want to date me."

"Hey, hey, Sara. Calm down, it'll be okay. You just have to talk to her." Jessie tries to soothe Sara.

Sara continues to sob into her neck, hoping she's right.


	5. Balls

**6 months later...**

Tegan and Sara had officially become a couple about two and a half months ago, and everything was going swimmingly.

The day after Sara read Tegan's letter, they had a long talk face-to-face. It was uncomfortable and difficult and tears were shed by them both. Sara apologized for acting so selfishly and promised Tegan she wouldn't act like that again. They decided it was for the best if they stopped sleeping together if they wanted to works towards a normal friendship, and potentially a romantic relationship later on. Sara convinced Tegan that seeing a therapist would help her deal with her issues and it didn't make her weak that she needed help. Sara was there for her anytime she broke down, which could be quite often some weeks. It wasn't easy, but it helped that they had each other.

Sara never pressured Tegan for them to take their relationship further, and it was Tegan who eventually brought it up that she felt she was ready, but on certain conditions. She wanted Sara to go to couples counseling right away and that they hold off on sex. Sara was a bit reluctant on the latter, she had already been celibate for months, which was a personal record, but she agreed none the less.

One thing their counselor suggested to them to help build trust was that they have a weekly date night that Sara had complete control over. Most of the methods the counselor used Sara thought was a load of crock, but this was one thing she was totally into. She loved treating her lady.

Sara needed Jessie's help to pull off this week's date, and she was heading out the door to go meet her.

"Hey, we'll be at your place in a few minutes, meet us outside." She texts Tegan.

"We?"

"Yeah, i'm with Jessie."

"Oooh, threesome? ;)" Though they weren't fully active in the bedroom, Sara was glad they could still be verbal about sex.

"You wish."

Jessie drives up to Tegan's apartment building and stops. Sara gets out of the front passenger seat and walks up to greet Tegan, who's waiting on the stoop. Tegan smiles down at her and Sara happily returns the gesture.

"Are you excited?" Sara asks as she reaches out her hand for Tegan.

Tegan nods, accepting her hand and Sara pulls her in close for a quick kiss then leads her to the car. She holds the door open and Tegan scoots in to other side, Sara follows and positions herself in the middle, right next to her. Once they're both buckled she hands the black sleeping mask for Tegan to put on as part of their trust exercise.

"Hi Tegan!" Jessie chirps from the driver's seat.

"Hey Jessie." Tegan responds with barely half the enthusiasm. She's a bit uncomfortable and embarrassed about having to be blindfolded in front of her, unsure of how much she knows about her and Sara's relationship. She slips the mask on anyway, succumbing to the darkness. She feels Sara's comforting hand wrap around her own, thumb gently caressing thumb.

Jessie cuts the engine when they reach their destination. Sara tells Tegan to stay put and gets out to open her door for her.

The three of them walk to the back entrance of a building, Sara guiding Tegan the whole way. The only sounds Tegan can hear are the jingling of keys and a door creaking open. She's positively confused, and a bit freaked out. Sara can feel the slight shake in Tegan's hand caused from nerves and she gives it a reassuring squeeze.

They all step into the building and Jessie hits the light switch.

"I'll be back in a couple hours to pick you guys up, please, _please_ don't have sex in here. Have fun!"

Tegan's relieved that Sara has apparently not mentioned their current 'no sex' status and assures her that they will do no such thing. She hears the door click shut signaling Jessie's departure and she turns towards where she assumes Sara is standing.

Sara grabs Tegan by the shoulders and directs her so she's facing the contents of the building. She stands slightly to the side of Tegan so she's not blocking her view but will still be able to see her reaction. She's been waiting for this moment all week.

"Okay, you can take the blindfold off." She says, unable remove the grin off her face even if someone tried to slap it off her.

Tegan slowly lifts the mask off, allowing her eyes to adjust to the light, and take in her surroundings.

"No. Fucking. Way. Chuck E. Cheese's! I've never been here before!" Tegan squeals in delight, throwing her arms around Sara.

"I know. Every one has to experience it at least once, and I figured it was better sooner than later. We're just lucky Jessie agreed to let us in, she could get in big trouble."

"Well remind me to thank her after i'm done thanking you." She pulls Sara into a deep kiss, her hands squeezing the sides of her waist. Sara moans and melts into the kiss but reluctantly pulls away.

"There's time for that later, we only have a couple hours! Come on!" She grabs Tegan's wrist and pulls her along as she runs towards the play area. They reach the entrance of one of the tunnels, Sara crouching down and climbing in. She moves forward on her hands and knees, Tegan following closely behind. She senses Sara is working towards a destination and her curiosity is perked, her brain flowing with ideas of what else she has planned.

"Crack kills, ya know." Tegan mentions after moments of silent crawling.

"What the hell?" Sara questions, not getting the joke.

"Your bum, I can see it."

"Yeah? It's not the first time."

"Nor is it the last." Tegan retorts.

Sara finally comes to a stop where the tunnel forks out. She turns left and crawls into a big clear bubble that sticks out from the rest of the play area and looks out over the arcade. Tegan follows in behind her and notices a pizza box, two cokes, and two small ice cream cups sitting in the middle. She settles in next to Sara and plants a soft kiss on her cheek.

"Thank you." She whispers.

Sara blushes and squeezes Tegan's knee in response. She's sure she will never get used to the butterflies Tegan's capable of giving her with just the simplest of gestures. She reaches for the pizza box and opens it. Inside rests the cheesy pizza with the pepperonis spelling out 'T + S'.

"Wow, you're even cheesier than this pizza." Tegan laughs, reaching for a slice.

"Oh no, this was _not_ my doing." She defends herself, grabbing her own slice of pizza.

"Thish ish da besht date ever, Shara." Tegan attempts to say, her mouth stuffed with food.

"You are such a pig. And you're sure it's better than when we went horse back riding a few weeks ago?" Sara teases, recalling the somewhat disaster of a date.

She'd thought that doing something they both had never done before would be refreshing, save for the ride they had last Halloween. She set up a private lesson at a ranch outside of town and things were going pretty smoothly until it came time to feeding the horses.

"Hey! No one told me you're supposed to hold your palm flat when feeding them! _You_ were right there, _you_ could have stopped it from biting me! My finger still hurts ya know." She pouts, sticking her bottom lip out and giving Sara puppy dog eyes, rubbing the still slightly bruised finger.

"Tegan, hon, it's common sense, you had it coming. And I do recall taking you out for ice cream after, where a certain someone just had to get the largest, most expensive sundae and proceeded to not share with me. But gimme your finger, i'll make it better."

Tegan sticks her finger in front of Sara's face, who purses her lips and gives her finger an exaggerated kiss, complete with an obnoxious "muah!" sound.

"Better?"

"Much! But you better give it one more, for extra measure." She wiggles her finger again in Sara's face.

"You are such a child." Sara playfully rolls her eyes, pushing Tegan's finger away.

"Says the girl who takes her girlfriend to Chuck E. Cheese."

"Whatever, you love it."

They finish eating and Sara gathers up their garbage and places it out of the bubble. She turns back around and smiles at Tegan. She crawls towards her and places a hand on her chest, gently pushing until Tegan's back comes into contact with the wall. She kneels between Tegan's open legs and leans her hands against the wall on each side of her head. Tegan squirms impatiently waiting for her to make her next move.

"You're cute, ya know that?" Sara chuckles, kissing Tegan on the nose.

"Tease." Tegan mutters under her breathe.

"You have no idea." Sara grins, grabbing Tegan's jaw tightly with her hand and pulling her head towards her.

She attacks Tegan's lip with her own, forcing her tongue into her mouth. She explores every last inch of her mouth, their tongues dancing expertly with each other. Sara sucks on Tegan's tongue for a few seconds before releasing and moving to bite across her strong jawline.

She makes her way to Tegan's ear, breathing hotly in it, licking and nibbling at her lobe.

"You know.. our 3 month.. mmph.. anniversary is next Saturday.." Tegan pants, hoping to verbally distract Sara before things go too far.

"Mmhmmm." Sara continues to nibble on Tegan's earlobe.

"Well don't make plans, i'm taking you out."

"You don't have to." She mumbles into her skin.

"I know, but I want to. You've been so awesome these past months and I wanna show you how much I appreciate it."

"Mmm, I wanna show you how much I appreciate _you_." She plants wet kisses along her neck, stopping to suck on her pulse point, making sure Tegan will find a mark in the morning. She presses her hips into Tegan's and strokes her right inner thigh, causing Tegan to moan.

"Unnnh..Sa-Sara.. stop.. stop..!" Tegan pushes on Sara's chest, trying to get her to stop. She sure as hell isn't going to let their first time as a couple be rushed in a Chuck E. Cheeses, it has to be special.

"You're killin' me, Tee." Sara groans, resting her head on Tegan's shoulder.

"I know," she giggles, amused at how Sara always manages to be horny 24/7. "But trust me, it'll be worth it."

"If you say so. Come on, let's go play! We don't have much time left." Sara rushes out on her hands and knees, leaving Tegan in the dust.

She winds her way through the tunnels, losing Tegan in the process, until she crawls into the ball pit. She grabs a few balls and climbs on top of the bit of tunnel protruding into the pit, hiding and waiting for Tegan to wind her way in here. She soon here's the patter of Tegan drawing nearer and gets herself into position.

Tegan lowers herself into the ball pit and starts digging through the balls, thinking maybe Sara buried herself into them.

"Sara?" She calls.

Sara lifts one of the balls and takes her aim, tossing it at Tegan's head. It bops right off her and lands back into the pit. Tegan jerks around just as Sara starts yelling and propels herself off her perch and onto Tegan, both of them falling and sinking into the balls.

"Help! My girlfriend's being eaten alive by balls!" Sara yells, popping her head up.

"Dork." Tegan's head pops up next to Sara's, her hair going every which way. She's smiling from ear to ear, so happy and thankful that Sara is her girlfriend.

She tackles Sara back into the sea of balls and their time passes quickly laughing and wrestling with each other. Before they know it, they hear the _riiing riiing riiing_ of Sara's phone and she answers it, knowing it's Jessie telling them they have to go.

"I don't wanna go. I don't want this date to ever end." Tegan pouts.

"I know, but there's always next week." Sara kisses Tegan.

"And the week after that." Another kiss.

"And the week after that." And another kiss.

"And all the weeks after. Forever and ever." And one more kiss.

"Forever and _ever_?" Tegan asks, full of hope, pulling Sara into a tight hug.

"Yup. Now let's go." Sara ushers them out of the play area and to the door.

They walk out holding hands and slide into the back of Jessie's car, she smiles back at them through the rearview mirror.

"So.. how was it?" Jessie asks.

Tegan smiles, taking Sara's hand in her own and squeezing it.

"Perfect."


	6. Save A Horse, Ride A Tegan

AN: This is the story about "the ride they had last Halloween" I mentioned in the previous chapter, so remember that this happened months ago when they were still just messing around with each other.

"Howdy Officer, fancy seeing you here." Sara whispers in a mock southern drawl into Tegan's ear from behind. Her right hand grazes across Tegan's hip and heads towards her mound. Tegan places her own hand on top of Sara's to direct it elsewhere, she doesn't want her to feel the hard object hiding under her costume- but she isn't quick enough. Sara giggles breathily and moves her hand back to Tegan's hip and places her left hand on the other side and spins her around to face her.

When Tegan arrived at the party she wasn't expecting to see Sara, and had plans to find some random girl to fuck tonight but when she sees Sara in her costume she knows plans have definitely changed. Sara stands before her in an extremely skimpy cowgirl outfit. She's wearing a red plaid crop-top that's tied in the middle, leaving little to the imagination. Short, waist-high frayed denim jeans expose just the bottom of each cheek of her firm, mouth-watering bum. She topped it off simply with a brown cowboy hat that's resting on the back of her neck and matching brown cowboy boots.

"Fuck..." Tegan murmurs, eyeing her up and down, pleasure shooting to her core.

"So are you gonna punish me with that baton?" Sara smirks, taking in Tegan's appearance.

She's got a short, sexy police officer dress on. Buttoned all the way up, the fabric is stretching across her large chest. Sara finds it sexier than if she chose to expose her cleavage, but thinks a little wouldn't hurt. She runs a finger roughy between the two sides of the fabric under Tegan's neck, undoing a couple of the convenient snap buttons. Her legs are covered by fishnets and she's got black combat boots on. A pair of handcuffs dangle from a belt loop, her hair is pulled into a tight ponytail, and she has dark, smokey eye make up on. Sara's sure she's never seen Tegan look so feminine, but she isn't complaining.

"That depends. Have you been a bad girl?"

"I think you know that I have.." Sara toys with Tegan's handcuffs.

"Well, your house or mine?"

"I'm sure there's a perfectly suitable bed in this house."

Tegan laughs, letting Sara pull her through the crowd and up the stairs to find an empty room. Neither know the people who live in the house and couldn't care less about their actions. They step into a room with a queen sized bed, Sara locking the door behind her and pushing Tegan towards the bed. Tegan's knees hit the edge of the bed and she falls back onto it. She continues to push on Tegan's shoulders, forcing her to scoot back until she's sitting in the middle. She straddles Tegan's legs, locking her in place.

"You're being bad..."

"Oh sweetie, i'm just getting started." Sara replies, tugging on the knot holding her top closed, undoing it. Having not bothered to put a bra on, her breasts are revealed and they're all Tegan can see. She leans forward and flicks a nipple with her tongue.

Satisfied that Tegan's distracted, Sara swiftly unhooks Tegan's handcuffs from their belt loop, grabs Tegan's arms and places them up above her head, causing her to lay on her back, locking her hands together around one of the metal poles of the headboard. Tegan doesn't even realize what's happened until she tries to move an arm to fondle Sara's chest.

"What the.. fucking.. fuck! Sara! Unlock me!" Tegan demands, pulling roughly against her bonds.

"Settle down. I'll let you go when i'm done with you."

Sara hops off the bed, her back to Tegan, and slips her top the rest of the way off. She unbuttons her tight shorts and struggles to slide them off along with her panties. She manages to get them around her ankles, bending down to pull them over her boots, causing her ass to stick in the air. Her soft, pink pussy is now exposed for Tegan's eyes to ogle, and ogle she does. She can see the sheen from Sara's already mounting wetness and just wants to taste, just one lick is all she needs.

"You know you kinda suck at living up to your reputation." Sara teases.

Tegan blushes at Sara's comment, thankful Sara is facing the other way. She would never admit that she loved it every time Sara took absolute control, and was getting more careless about trying to attempt to want to make Sara even believe she was strictly a top ever since the beer bottle experience. She thinks only a damn fool would let their pride get in the way of having their mind blown by great sex, and Tegan is no fool.

Shuffling onto the bed on her knees next to Tegan's stomach, she rips the dress open and leaves it hanging at her sides. She grins at Tegan's bra choice, or lack there of. Next she moves down to the fishnets and rips a great hole in crotch, slipping her hand into the fly of Tegan's black men's underwear and pulls out her prize. She's unbelievably turned on by the realistic, flesh-colored dildo. Normally she'd be a bit weirded out by it looking so real but the way Tegan is sprawled out before her, clothing destroyed and helpless, she doesn't care and has no patience for foreplay. She needs to ride this pony, _now_.

She doesn't bother with lubing up the cock with her mouth, she knows she's already wet enough. She throws a leg over Tegan and faces the end of the bed. She aligns herself over the cock and lowers herself onto it, letting out a gravelly moan. She begins to gyrate against Tegan's hips, one hand resting on her lower back and the other grabs her cowboy hat and places it on her head, holding it in place as if she were actually on a bucking bronco. She cranes around to look at Tegan and winks. "Giddy up," she says, knowing she's being merciless in her actions, teasing Tegan to no end, but it just makes her hornier and smile wickedly.

Though it's one of the sexiest things she's ever seen, Tegan could cry right now, this is not the time for Sara to be facing away. So on one of Sara's upward movements and the cock slips out of her, Tegan pivots her hips sideways, and when Sara comes down she's met with the bare skin of Tegan's upper thigh.

"Fucking turn around and face me." Tegan spits.

"Need I remind you who's tied up here?" Sara sneers. She tries to get back on her "saddle" but Tegan won't stop moving around.

Tegan forgot to take that into consideration, but it doesn't matter, Sara will give her what she wants because she wants it too. Tegan's right and Sara gives up, switching directions, her knees spreading further apart from Tegan's waist and bracing herself with her hands on Tegan's stomach. They both consider themselves lucky as the bed they chose has a very springy mattress. Sara resumes her task of bouncing with ease, doing all the work, her nails digging into Tegan's skin. Sara dons a smug expression, believing she's the winner in this interaction.

Tegan disagrees however and is absolutely floored by Sara's delicious body, she can't decide where to look; at Sara's piercing lust-filled eyes staring deep into her own, her taut neck glistening with sweat, her ample breasts bouncing up and down, her lean stomach, or at the dildo disappearing in and out of her every second. If there was a lesbian lottery, she just won the jackpot.

Sara's breathing starts to become overly ragged and Tegan can tell she's tired from overexerting herself, and starts to rock her hips slowly, helping Sara out, her feet planted flat on the bed to give her more leverage. Sara gets the hint and stops moving, holding her body still by grabbing onto the bars of the headboard. Tegan then wildly rams the cock up and down, in out and of Sara, the bed squeaking loudly from their movement. Sara's head hangs low and she continuously licks her lips, knowing she's going to explode soon. Feeling herself start to cum, she slams her hips down onto Tegan's, halting all penetration, the cock filling her to the brim.

"Yesyesyesyesyes ohh.. Ooooh!" Sara cries out, her walls clenching, euphoria expanding throughout her body. The corners of her lips twitch upward and she chuckles lightly, wiping the sweat off her brow. "Whew, that was good."

Tegan is squirming under Sara, hoping she'll make a move to touch her but doesn't vocalize her wants, she doesn't want to beg. Thankfully Sara is not that cruel. She hurriedly jerks Tegan's underwear and tights down, quickly loosening the straps of the harness, pushing it aside, and slips the phallus out. She gets a good hold of it and, showing no gentleness, shoves it all the way into Tegan's tight cunt with it still covered in her own juices. Tegan's eye roll into the back of her head, she's in utter sexual nirvana as her hips involuntarily rise to meet the steady rhythm of Sara fucking her deep and hard. She feels herself getting close and tries to move against the cock faster when an abrupt pounding rouses her from her bliss.

"Please... don't.. stop.. don't care.. get caught.. " Tegan wheezes, failing to form a coherent sentence, but thankfully Sara understands. She feverishly doubles down, and adds rubbing Tegan's clit to the mix with her unoccupied hand until her mouth opens in a silent scream and she's coming hard. She lies there with a goofy, gummy grin trying to calm herself down as Sara begins to clean up, knowing they don't have much time. She wipes their collective cum off the cock on the bed sheet, grumbling that there's not enough time for them to clean it off themselves, and fastens it back into Tegan's harness and tucks it back into her briefs. She unlocks Tegan before collecting her own clothes and begins getting dressed.

Still out of breath, they just finish getting their costumes in order when they're positive someone's going to break down the door. Sara is almost to the door when Tegan tells her wait.

"Hold up, your shirt's all willy nilly in back." Sara stops and waits for Tegan to fix it, but Tegan has no intention of doing that, Sara's shirt looks just fine. She snatches both of Sara's hands behind her back and locks them together with the same handcuffs that just held her own hands prisoner. Sara scolds herself for being so gullible, of course Tegan would get revenge, but if she knows anything, it'll be worth it.

"Should have thought twice about being so naughty." Tegan whispers harshly in Sara's ear. Sara struggles against the cuffs, trying to shake Tegan's grip from the dangling chain between her wrists. Unsuccessful, she has no choice but to go where Tegan takes her. Tegan drags her out of the room backwards, and into a small group of judging faces. By the state of their flushed faces and sweaty skin, the group can only assume on what had just gone down in there.

Tegan stares straight ahead, avoiding eye contact, and tries to walk quickly by the mass of people. Sara is stumbling backwards unable to see where Tegan is yanking her but makes eye contact with, based on her shocked and disgusted expression, the probable owner of the bedroom. She makes an obscene, sexual gesture at the girl, running her tongue across her teeth and biting at the air.

"You might wanna wash the sheets." Sara calls to the girl, who is shrieking loudly as she runs into the room.


	7. Happy Anniversary

Saturday morning arrives and Sara stumbles groggily to her bathroom, her bladder threatening to implode. She trips over something sitting on the floor by the end of her bed, muttering a few choice words, and telling herself she'll inspect it after she pees.

Satisfied, she walks back into her bedroom and sees a big black gift bag lying on its side. She is sure it's from Tegan, they gave each other their spare apartment keys months ago, but is utterly confused as to what could be in it, or why it's been given to her in the first place. Then it clicks. It's Saturday. Tonight's the night they're having a date planned by Tegan for their three month anniversary. She picks the bag up and sets it on her bed, nervously peering into it. She can't even begin to guess what is inside as everything is wrapped in black tissue paper. She notices the messy scrawl on the gift tag hanging on the handle and takes it in her hands to read it.

_Sara,_

_Wear this tonight and meet me at La Lune at 6._

_Don't be late!_

_Tegan_

_P.S. Shave! ;)_

La Lune was one of the most expensive restaurants in town, and Tegan made the reservation months ago.

Sara chuckles, reading the note again, slightly embarrassed that Tegan's noticed her less-than-smooth legs when they cuddle. She didn't see a reason to have to shave regularly if she wasn't getting any... Oh. _Oh. _Tonight's _the _night. She's suddenly fearful, but excited, of what could be in the bag. Nothing too scandalous, she hopes.

She reaches her hand in and pulls out the first thing her fingers graze. She groans, knowing she shouldn't have expected anything else; a dress. It's black with thick straps and a deep v-neck and stops just above the knee. Thinking the rest can't be as bad, she dumps out the rest of the contents and finds 2.5 inch heels, matching lacy, black lingerie, and even a small clutch for her things. She was wrong, it's just as bad.

She lays everything out on her bed and stares at it, dumbfounded. What on earth is Tegan thinking? Sure she was the more femme one in their relationship but a dress _and heels?_ Though she can't deny a small part of her really enjoying being controlled like this. Despite that, she'll throw a fit if she's not rewarded with great sex tonight.

She starts getting ready immediately, going all out with make-up and even curling her short bob slightly. She stands in front of the mirror, looking herself over. Tegan certainly knows how to shop, the dress accentuates her small curves, and the heels make her legs look very toned and much longer than they are. She has to admit, she looks great. Before she knows it, it's almost 5 and with traffic in the city, she heads out not wanting to be even one second late.

Soon she's standing in the restaurant, looking around at the tables trying to hunt Tegan down. She spots a girl trying to discreetly wave to her and realizes it's Tegan. Sara walks up to the table and Tegan stands when she gets closer.

Tegan is dressed in tight, fitted black dress pants, a gray button up with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows, and a white vest. Her hair is pulled into a loose pony and she has black rimmed glasses on. Tegan hands Sara a small bouquet of a variety of roses that she had hiding behind her back. Sara blushes and accepts them shyly.

"You're absolutely beautiful... and tall! I like it." Tegan smirks up at Sara, who is now almost 3 inches taller than her, caressing her arm. She leans into Sara and plants a light kiss on her cheek, and Sara blushes again.

"You're so cute and handsome. And since when do you have glasses?" Sara asks as Tegan pulled out Sara's chair for her.

"Since I found out I looked great in them." She chuckles, walking back to her own seat.

The waiter approaches and handed them each menus, and holds an alcohol menu asking them if they'd like to see it. Sara reaches for it but Tegan stops her, telling her it's a sober night, she wants them both to remember everything.

Dinner passes by smoothly, Tegan even ordering for Sara, excessive giggling on both parts, and playing footsie. Tegan's being the perfect gentleman. She picks up the bill when they're done and they catch a ride back to Tegan's place.

They walk into Tegan's apartment and she pushes Sara into the bedroom and tells her to wait while she finishes getting everything set up. She returns a few minutes later to fetch Sara, and ushers her out onto her small balcony. A small table with two chairs sit in a corner, candles are lit and scattered everywhere, and there's soft classical music playing in the background. Tegan offers Sara a spot at the table, then takes her own. She lifts the cover off the plate sitting in the middle that holds dessert, revealing a large Oreo cupcake; Sara's favorite.

"Dessert, m'lady?" Tegan questions.

"That's the stupidest question you've ever asked." Sara answers, giggling.

Tegan scoops a mouthful of the cupcake up with the one fork she brought out. Sara turns red before accepting the food, allowing Tegan to feed her. Her eyes flutter shut and she moans at the delicious taste, "Ohhh my god that's good."

"Woah woah woah, calm down. I don't want you to blow your load before I even have a chance to get to you."

"That's disgusting." Sara remarks, but they both break out in laughter.

They continue eating, feeding each other small bites until they can't possibly eat anymore. Tegan stands and holds her hand out for Sara, "May I have this dance?" she asks.

"Tegan.. I don't dance." Sara states. It's true, unless she has a little booze in her and she most certainly does not tonight.

"Well we've danced before ...right?" Tegan has to ask, vaguely recalling Sara telling her that about the first night they met since she couldn't remember any of it, "Let me lead."

Sara gives in, standing up. She leans her back against Tegan's front, Tegan locking her own hands together on Sara's stomach. They sway slowly to the music across the small balcony. Tegan plants soft kisses up Sara's shoulder to her nape, burying her face in the crook of her neck.

"I love you." She sighs into her skin. It was the moment she'd been waiting for all night. She had never told anyone that before, but she was certain she loved Sara and wanted her to know that. And to hear that Sara loved her back.

"Oh.." Tegan can hear Sara's sharp intake of breath.

"Oh..?" That's not what she wanted to hear, and her face falls in disappointment. She removes her arms from around Sara and takes a step back. Sara quickly realizes her mistake and spins around, taking Tegan's hands in her own.

"Oh god..no.. that's not what I meant, Tee. I just- I wasn't expecting you to say that so soon." She lifts her hand and cups one side of Tegan's face, her thumb stroking her cheek. "I love you, too," she smiles and pulls Tegan's face to her own in a sweet kiss.

Tegan lifts Sara up and carries her to her bedroom, and lets her down. Tegan stands behind Sara, the two facing her mirror, each watching the other's every move. Tegan unzips Sara's dress, guiding it off her shoulders and down her arms. It falls to the floor and Tegan helps Sara step out of it. Sara studies Tegan's face while she marvels at Sara's nearly naked body.

"How are you even real?" Tegan whispers, mostly to herself, fingers brushing Sara's cheek. Sara smiles and leans into the touch, wondering the same about Tegan. Tegan removes the rest of Sara's clothing and turns Sara around to face her.

Sara reaches for Tegan's shirt buttons, wanting to undo them, but Tegan swats her hands away.

"No. This is your night, it's all about pleasing you."

"Undressing you would please me," she pouts. "Please, TeeTee?"

Well how could Tegan say no to that? She shrugs and lets her arms hang at her sides, allowing Sara to continue. Sara strips Tegan down to just her black briefs and picks the vest back up, sliding it back up to Tegan's shoulders and does one button. She smooths the front of it down and gives it a pat, "There."

Tegan looks down at her new outfit, perplexed. Really? This is what Sara found sexy?

"You're an odd duck." Tegan laughs.

"Quack." Sara gives her a toothy grin, laying down on the middle of the bed.

Tegan lays her body flush on top of Sara's, tongue dancing with tongue. Her thigh rests between Sara's legs, bumping Sara's pussy in just the right way each time she would slightly move. The silky fabric of her vest rubbing against Sara's nipples, hardening them and sending shivers up her spine. Tegan moves her kisses down to Sara's neck, sucking on her pulse point.

"Uhm, Tegan?" Sara interrupts her.

"Yeah, babe?"

"I know we've been a bit ..kinky in the past but are you really going to make me wear my heels all night?"

"What? Oh, shit. Sorry! I didn't even realize you were still wearing them, hah. Here, let me." Tegan chuckles, crawling down the bed to Sara's feet. Grabbing her left foot and undoing the straps, she slips the shoe off and tosses it to the floor. After repeating the actions with the right, she slowly starts to massage it. She gives a soft kiss on her foot, placing them all the way up to her knee. Tegan moves across to Sara's other leg and gives it the same treatment, only moving all the way up to her inner thigh this time, resting her head there and drawing light patterns on Sara's lower stomach. She's never been so gentle and loving touching another person but the change of pace excites them both.

Tegan recalls the last time she even remotely saw Sara nude and in this position, they had been official for about a month at the time.

_Tegan walked into Sara's kitchen through the fire escape door, that way she could let herself in. It wasn't odd for her to bring lunch over on days they both had a lengthy break from class. She set the sandwiches on the counter and opened a cupboard to grab some plates when she heard quiet moaning in the other room. She noticed the wooden sliding door connecting the bedroom and kitchen was shut for once, and thought it strange. She leaned her ear against the wood and tried to make out what Sara was saying._

"_Tee.. fuck.. oh.. yeah.. Tegan.." Sara was moaning her name. _

_Tegan didn't think Sara would have heard her come in and she slowly slid the door open. She was met with the sight of Sara lying spread eagle on her bed, naked from the waist down, and knuckles deep in herself. She was frantically pumping in and out, eyes shut in concentration. The sound of her fingers working through her wetness made Tegan's head spin. She's sure that if she could listen to only one sound for the rest of her life, it would be that of a wet pussy. _

_Sara still hadn't felt or heard her presence so Tegan tapped lightly on the wall. Sara's eyes sprung open and came into direct contact with Tegan's. She didn't even flinch, just smiled and slowed her pace as Tegan stood and watched, unmoving._

"_I'm not going to stop so you can either help, watch, or hide behind that door and wait 'til i'm done." Sara stated._

_It took every fiber of Tegan's being to not jump Sara's bones, but she couldn't just walk away either. She stepped up to the end of the bed and leaned over the footboard, grabbing Sara's wrist with her fingers. She pulled it out of her and brought it up to her face. Her middle and index finger were coated in her juices and her fingertips were beginning to prune from the wetness. Tegan sighed as Sara's scent wafted into her nose. She slid the two fingers into her mouth, sucked them off, and pulled them out teasingly, watching Sara the whole time. She licked her lips and moved Sara's erect fingers back down to her entrance, pushed them in, and released her grip._

"_Carry on." She winked at Sara and headed back toward the kitchen, sliding the door shut as she went._

_Tegan leaned against the counter, head down with her legs pressed together. She was trying to alleviate the pressure between her legs, but it wasn't working. She hadn't told Sara this but she had completely cut herself off from sex, not just with Sara. She hadn't touched herself or even watched porn in the last month and seeing Sara like that was too much. She was still trying to even out her breathing when Sara walked in, now fully clothed, and wrapped her arms around her. Tegan mimicked her movements, wrapping her arms around Sara's waist but still not looking up._

"_I'm sorry if that violated our no-sex rule, I was just really, really horny." Sara kissed the top of her head. _

"_No, it's fine, it was just super hot and I don't know how much self control I have. Do you usually moan my name when you fuck yourself?" Tegan kissed her back, on the lips._

"Tegan! Tee!" Sara shakes her leg, waking Tegan from her reverie.

"Huh? What? Oh." Tegan lifts her head off Sara's thigh, realizing what she got distracted from, and looks up at Sara.

"You okay down there?"

"You betcha." She laughs, and again kisses Sara's inner thigh.

"What were you thinking about?"

"When I walked in on you fucking yourself a couple months ago."

"Oh," Sara smirks, recalling her own memories from that day. "Well if you don't get moving, you'll be seeing that again real quick."

Tegan doesn't need to be told twice. As much as she enjoyed seeing that, nothing beats being able to please Sara herself, and she dives right in. She laps at Sara's juices, making long, broad strokes up her slit and Sara already can't hold the moans in, it's been so long. Tegan searches for Sara's hands on the sheets, entangling their hands together. She moves her tongue to Sara's entrance and begins thrusting in and out as far as she can go, her nose hitting Sara's clit with each thrust. Tegan hums, reveling in the smell and taste of Sara, glad to once again be in this position, and the feeling causes Sara's hips to buck up involuntarily. She works wonders with her tongue, sucking and licking, Sara's juices running down her chin and coating her cheeks. It's no long until Sara is screaming and her body bursts with pleasure, her hands keeping Tegan's in a death grip until she starts to come down. Tegan gives Sara's sensitive button one last kiss before slithering up Sara's body, trailing kisses along the way.

"You've got a little something on your face." Sara teases, cleaning herself off of Tegan's face with open-mouthed kisses. Tegan rolls her eyes, waiting for Sara to finish before moving off of Sara. They lay side by side, facing each other, love practically oozing from every inch of their bodies.

"Your turn?" Sara smiles coyly, a single finger running along Tegan's side.

"Mmm tomorrow, I promise. Let's sleep now." Tegan yawns, barely audible, her eyes already shut.

Sara stifles a laugh, amused at how pooped out Tegan is. She rolls over, her back to Tegan and snuggles in close to her. Tegan's arm lazily finds it's way over Sara, her open palm resting on her stomach. Sara places her own hand atop Tegan's and quickly falls asleep, joining her lover in dreamland.

The scent of cinnamon buns rouses Tegan from her slumber. She yawns, stretching her limbs out and pats the bed, expecting to feel Sara still lying next to her. Instead she's met with the indent and messed up sheets left from Sara's body. She has a moment of panic before she realizes the delicious aroma had to be caused by someone and that person could only be Sara so she gets out of bed, throws on a wrinkly shirt and shorts, and follows her nose to the kitchen.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me!" Sara sings into the spatula turned microphone. The striped button up shirt Tegan wore last night draping open over her torso, barely covering her boy short clad bottom. She bends forward slightly, sticking her bum out, and begins to shake it while continuing to belt out her song.

Tegan's been watching silently, leaning against the door jamb, but once Sara starts her awkward but adorable dancing, she can't help but erupt in a fit laughter. Sara ceases her dancing and whips around, completely mortified, but when she sees the gummy smile on Tegan's face and her crazy bed head, she could care less about her silly actions. She resumes her dancing and saunters over to Tegan.

"Feels so good being bad!" She shimmies against Tegan's front, locking her hands behind her neck. Tegan laces her fingers against the small of Sara's back and they sway throughout the kitchen, their laughter filling the air.

They come to a stop and Sara tightens her grip on Tegan's neck, gently tugging her hair.

"Gooood morning." She sings, biting her lip.

"Someone's happy." Tegan smiles. She can see the happiness radiating off of Sara, and it fills her up with even more joy knowing that she's the one who's causing it. She's sure this is what true love is like, and she never wants to be without it, without Sara. She leans forward and connects their lips.

Sara sighs and pulls away, leaning her forehead against Tegan's, staring into her chocolatey iris', "Last night was ...perfect. You're perfect, Tee. I hope you haven't forgotten the promise you made last night, because it's gonna be your turn after breakfast."

"I didn't forget. And _you're _the one that's perfect." Tegan rubs her nose against Sara's in a sweet eskimo kiss and they both giggle. She leans back and plays with the fabric of her shirt hanging off of Sara, her chest partly exposed.

"You should wear my clothes more often."

"Only if _you_ wear them less."

"Deal." Tegan chuckles, wrapping her arms around Sara in a bear hug, squeezing her tight and burying her face in her neck. She continues to hug her even as the timer goes off signaling that breakfast is done.

"Let me go! The cinnamon buns will burn!"

Tegan grabs a handful of each of Sara's bum cheeks and gives them a squeeze, "I don't care. I've already got a delicious set of buns right here."


	8. Wazzzup TDawg

"How do you feel about doing that, Tegan?" Her therapist, Dr. Larsen, asks.

"I don't want to do it." She crosses her arms over her chest in defense.

"Why?" Sara asks exasperatedly.

"Why the hell would I want to know about the people who abandoned me and left me to suffer a shitty childhood?" She shoots Sara a glare, wishing her therapist hadn't suggested Sara come in for one of her sessions. They were already in counseling, why did they have to do this together too?

"I don't know! Closure, maybe? So you can stop resenting everything! So you stop running away every time I even mention my parents?"

"Well i'm sorry for resenting the fact I don't have a family!"

"That's not the only kind of family you can have, dipshit!" Sara yells in Tegan's face, not even realizing that both of them had gotten up from their seats and were in each other's faces.

"Oh." Tegan takes a step back. She knows Sara is right, anytime she's tried to mention her own family or childhood, Tegan avoids it like the plague. She hadn't thought Sara minded so much because she would just drop the subject and never press it, but clearly it has been bothering her. How could she have been so selfish to not notice that Sara just wants to share every part of her life with her? She was a terrible girlfriend. She glances at her therapist then over to Sara, who is undoubtedly uncomfortable with the whole exchange the just had. She's tried so hard to keep her feelings in about what having a family means, and how she already considers Tegan her family, but ever since the night when Tegan told Sara she loved her, she's been pushing it more and more. Neither know what to say next but luckily the therapist steps in, "Okay, let's all just take a breather and wrap up here. We'll continue on with this subject next time if you're both ready. Does that sound okay?" Both girls nod in agreement, grab their things, and leave the room.

Outside the door, Tegan wraps her arms around Sara's waist and pulls her into a hug, "I'm sorry for being such a shitty girlfriend."

Sara hugs her back, "You're not, you're wonderful and I love you. I'm just trying to help and do what I think will make you happy but maybe i'm asking for too much. I know you've come a long way and i'm so grateful for that, but I shouldn't be taking you for granted. I just wish you'd let me in about my family, I want them to know about you and how great you are. Not everyone's out to hurt you, Tegan. And sorry I called you a dipshit, you're not."

"I love you, too. And I know, I promise i'll try harder I just didn't think any of that stuff meant so much to you, but maybe you're right and I should find out who they are."

"Only if that's what you want, I won't force you to do anything."

"Thank you," Tegan kisses Sara, "Do you wanna go out and get drinks or something? My treat."

"Please! That sounds amazing right now. I think a drink would do us both some good, yeah?" Sara gushes.

They arrive at Rosie's, the bar they met in- which has become their go-to place since. Tegan heads straight for the bar to order them each a beer while Sara finds a booth. Tegan approaches Sara with a beer in each hand and opts to sit on the same side of the booth of Sara. Sliding in right next to her, Tegan takes a swig of her beer then rests her head on Sara's shoulder, sighing. Their hands link together, resting on Sara's thigh. Turning her head towards Tegan, Sara kisses the crown of her head, "We'll be okay."

"I know... Are you gonna kick my ass if I have a smoke?" Tegan hesitantly asks. She wasn't a heavy smoker before she met Sara and she all but stopped once they started dating because Sara thought it was disgusting. But she always carried a pack with her just in case of an emergency, like being stressed out of her mind.

"No.. I get it." Sara chuckles, taking a large gulp of her beer, "Let's finish our drinks and i'll come outside with you."

Tegan sparks her lighter and holds it against the cigarette that sits in her mouth. She inhales and exhales the cool smooth, instantly making her feel relief.

Sara snakes her arms around Tegan's waist, holding her while she takes long drags from her cig, "I hope you have back up cause i'm not kissing that ash tray of a mouth you're going to have the rest of the night."

"Oh you know, i'm sure I could call a few girls up..." Tegan teases, her left hand find its place on Sara's, giving it a playful squeeze.

Sara lets out a breathy laugh and lightly bites Tegan on the shoulder, letting her know she better not even think about doing such a thing. They stand peacefully in the silence, the sidewalk outside the bar void of any other patrons. Tegan finishes off her cigarette and tossing it to the ground, putting it out with her foot. They're just about to head back into the bar when something, or someone, stops them.

"T-Dawg!" A man approaching them on the sidewalk yells drunkenly. Sara eyes him up and tightens her grip around Tegan's waist, turning their bodies slightly, giving Sara the more protective stance. She doesn't know who it is, but anyone stumbling around and slurring their speech like he is is sure to be bad news.

"...J-Jared?" Tegan stutters, she hasn't heard that nickname in so long and every time she does, it makes her stomach contents churn. Her hands clench around Sara's forearms, informing Sara that she's scared and incapable of handling this on her own. Sara's whole being is immediately filled with hate. Tegan never said anything about him living in the city so she never thought she'd see the person who was so awful to the love of her life, and is using every ounce of self control she has to not walk up to him and kick him in the nuts.

"What's up T-Dawg! Look at you! A dyke!" Jared says, laughing, eyeing both of the girls up and down. Tegan absolutely hates that word and noticeably flinches whenever she hears it. "I woulda been nicer to you if i'd known it would turn you into a carpet-muncher. Such a shame, you're smokin'. But don't worry, i've got a cure right here," he crudely grabs his crotch, smiling and raising his eyebrows at her. "She's smokin' too, bring her with and i'll fix you both at the same time," he points to Sara, who's lost all her self control at this point. She whispers to Tegan to stay back and Sara steps up to Jared, getting in his face.

"Don't you _ever_ talk like that to her or me again, you fucking prick." Sara growls, her fist swinging forward and connecting with his lower jaw, his head snapping back. She may be small, but she packs quite the punch. Jared straightens back up, his hand flying to his mouth. He pulls it back to find blood on his fingers and he's filled with rage.

"Fuckin' cunt, you'll pay for that." He snarls, whipping a switchblade out of his jacket and swiftly thrusts it into the left side of Sara's stomach. He jerks it out and shoves it back inside his jacket.

"Watch your slut a little closer next time, T-Dawg." Jared hisses as he starts to jog away.

Sara's hands shoot to her stomach, numb to any pain yet, then lifts them to her face. They're covered in her own blood and her jaw drops open. She's instantly nauseous, passing out and falling to the ground.

Tegan's still trying to process everything that has just happened in front of her while Jared is running away when Sara collapses to the ground. Seeing her limp body lying there snaps Tegan out of her shock and she's on her knees next to Sara in seconds, trying to stop the bleeding with her hands. "Oh my god.. oh god.. Sara! No! This can't be happening! Sara, wake up!" Tegan begs, her now bloody hands stroking Sara's face, leaving bloody fingerprints across her cheeks. She lowers her lips to Sara's and kisses her softly, "I'm so sorry. I love you. I'm gonna get you help and everything will be okay, I promise."

Tegan's hand is too slippery from Sara's blood and she struggles to type in the three simple numbers. After what seems like centuries, she's connected with someone on the other line and she manically yells their location and what's happened. Feeling only slightly better knowing there's help on the way, she sits by Sara's side holding her hands until the ambulance arrives.

The ambulance ride is a blur and soon Tegan finds herself standing in a room with Sara on a hospital bed surrounded by doctors and nurses. It's as if she's watching everything happen in front of her in slow motion. Her brain and heart feel like they're going to explode trying to take in the multiple doctors and nurses doing so many different things to Sara. One nurse is hastily cutting her shirt off, giving Tegan a glimpse at the horrible wound on her stomach. Another is wiping the blood off and trying to get it to stop. Two of them are hooking IV's up to her and the doctor is sternly giving orders consisting mostly of words Tegan doesn't understand. She sinks to the floor and hugs her knees, overwhelmed. She feels she has no one to blame but herself. If she had never been adopted, or met Jared, or met Sara, or fell in love with Sara, or wanted that god damn cigarette none of this would have happened. It should be her lying there, not Sara. Anyone but Sara.

Unsure if anyone even knows that's she's still in the room when she's probably not supposed to be, she tries to make herself as small as possible. After an insurmountable amount of time, the room is empty and Sara is lying with a peaceful look on her face, still unconscious. Satisfied enough that Sara will make it through to the morning, Tegan lets herself get some sleep in the corner she's been in for hours, her head resting awkwardly against the wall.


	9. A Perfect Match

AN: I'm so so sorry for this disaster of a chapter, i'll redeem myself in the coming chapters. (I hope!)

"Will she be okay?" Tegan asks the doctor again. He keeps rambling on and on about all this medical mumbo jumbo she doesn't understand and all she wants to know right now if Sara will be okay.

"Yes, there's a pretty good chance she will be, but it's just a matter of _when._" He answers, just confusing her even more.

"What exactly does that mean?"

"Well the stab wound punctured her left kidney, rendering it useless. Which normally would be fine, we could just remove the kidney and patch her right up but that's not the case in Sara's situation. Her right kidney is underdeveloped and can't function to its full capacity which means she'll need a kidney transplant. Unfortunately her blood type is AB-, the rarest, and only other AB types can donate and the waiting list for one of those is exceptionally long, usually a few years. The odds just aren't stacked in her favor right now, but luckily we can keep her alive just fine until we find her a new kidney." The doctor explains.

"What about her parents? Can't they donate one?"

"We've already looked into that, and strangely neither of her parents are a match. It's extremely rare for that to happen, but I suppose it does occur."

"Well can you test me and see if by some miracle i'm a match? I'd hate to think I had the cure for her and didn't even know it."

"We can, yes. You'll have to pay for them all to be done, if that's not a probl-"

"It's fine, just do it."

"Okay, well i'll notify a nurse to get everything prepared and she'll come get you in a little bit."

"Thanks."

Tegan moves over to the side of Sara's bed and carefully sits down once the doctor is gone. She tucks all of Sara's stray hair behind her ear and she can't help but smile at how beautiful she is, even in this state. Though Tegan knows it's not possible, she swears she can feel Sara put her own bout of pressure forth when she leaves a small kiss on her lips just before the nurse leads her away for testing.

Tegan soon finds herself once again in conversation with the doctor, more than ready to here the results.

"What's the news, Doc?" Tegan asks, somewhat hesitantly. She knows the chances of him delivering good news is slim but that won't make it hurt any less to hear it vocalized.

"Mostly good, and some interesting. What did you say your relationship with Sara was again?" The doctor inquires.

Tegan's put off by his questions, what did it matter what Sara and her were? But she answers him anyway, "She's my girlfriend... why..?"

"Hmph, interesting," He looks down at his clipboard and jots some things down, annoying Tegan to no end. He finishes and looks back to Tegan continuing, "Well, the good news is that you're a perfect match, and both of your kidneys are in good condition so we can prep you for surgery as soon as possible to do the transplant if that is your final decision?"

"Oh god, yes of course." Tegan says, radiating joy and relief. Sara will be okay! "Wait, you said there was interesting news too? What is it?"

"Ah yes, well perfect matches such as yours only happen between siblings- identical twins to be exact. " He watches her for a reaction.

Her reaction though is not at all what he expected as she bursts out laughing, clearly thinking he's pulling her leg and waiting for him to yell "psych!" but when it doesn't happen she stares at him, baffled.

"Hold the phone. Sisters? _Twins? _There has to be some mistake, Sara's my _girlfriend_!" Tegan tries to sort things out through her muddled brain. She didn't even think they looked a like, except their nose which she remembered noticing that first morning in her bathroom. And they didn't have the same birthday, ..or did they? Thinking hard, Tegan can't even recall when Sara's birthday is, just that they're the same age. How does she not know the simplest information about her girlfriend? And was Sara adopted too or were Sara's parents hers as well? Now she felt she had no choice but to find out who her real parents are.

"As much as i'd like to say it is one, there's extremely little room for error. I double checked myself because I recalled you two being girlfriend's but according to this, you're definitely related. And I don't mean to kick you while your down, but if you look closely you can see the resemblance. Growing up in different environments will cause subtle changes, but the markers are still all there."

"No.. _No_. Just no, it's a mistake. I have _not _been dating my sister for almost four months. Just tell me what I need to do for her to get my kidney and to be okay, please." Tegan pushed all of this new information out her head, she didn't want any of this to be true, so she'd believe it wasn't, for the sake of herself and Sara.

"Right, of course, I'm sorry if I may have upset you. We can get you into surgery within the next couple hours and you should be able to get up and walk around by later tonight. You'll have to stay the night but I assume you'd be doing that anyway to be with Sara. Recovery will take a few weeks, just no heavy lifting, no driving, and leaving the stitches alone. Sara's will be basically the same but she may be a little weaker due to her body trying to get used to the new kidney. We'll go over everything again once Sara will be able to listen as well. Okay?"

"Okay, just one thing? Please don't mention any of that.." She pauses, trying to find the right word but can't quite seem to find it. "er.._interesting _news to Sara. That's something I need to do."

He nods, smiling sympathetically at her before escorting her to her own room to be prepped for surgery.

"How do you feel?" The nurse asks Tegan after inserting an IV into her arm that will knock her out for her procedure.

"Mmm..sleepy.." Tegan mumbles, her whole body feeling relaxed and she's out like a light within minutes. She awakes a few hours later groggy and with a dull ache in her side but other than that she feels fine, and she wants to see Sara and know that everything went well. She looks around for the remote that she always see people use in movies to get a nurse and pushes the little red button down once she finds it. A minute later a nurse walks in and asks if she needs anything.

"I want to see Sara." Tegan responds bluntly.

"Unfortunately she's still asleep and you've got a few more hours of rest before you can get up to move around, but i'm sure you'll be able to see her tonight."

"Well what am I supposed to do in the meantime?"

"You've got a television.. I can get you some magazines.. get a few more hours of sleep.. not stress yourself over Sara.." The nurse lists, giving Tegan a pointed look as she gives her last suggestion.

Tegan huffs, grabbing the TV remote and flipping it on. She does't care if she overreacted and was maybe a bit rude, she just wants to see Sara awake and smiling at her. The hours feel like days as they pass until finally the same nurse returns and helps her get dressed in her own shirt and a pair of hospital sweatpants and they walk through the halls slowly to Sara's room.

"She's still extremely tired, and the doctor wanted to make her just sleep through the night but she kept insisting on seeing you when she found out you were here so he's only giving you about 20 minutes. Not to mention you still need some rest before you can leave tomorrow" The nurse informs her. Tegan grumbles at the news, wishing the doctor would have just only good news for once today.

The nurse leads them through the door and Tegan breathes a sigh of relief when she sees Sara anxiously waiting and looking for her. It's silly that they're both acting like they haven't talked or touched in months when it's really only been two days.

Tegan hurriedly steps up to Sara's bedside and takes her hand in her own, her heart swelling at Sara's smiling face below her.

"Hi." They say at the same time, which is then followed by identical giggles.

"I missed you." Tegan strokes her thumb across the top of Sara's hand.

"Tegan, how could you have missed me? I was told you were here the entire me, and it was only two days, surely you can survive that long without me." Sara rolls her eyes playfully, enjoying the fact that Tegan needs her so much.

"Nope. I couldn't stand not hearing your voice or seeing the way your twinkle when you smile at me. And after witnessing everything that happened..."

"Hey, stop. Don't talk or think about it. We're both fine now, right?"

"Uhmm..right." She says doubtfully. They may be fine at this moment but who knows what will happen in the future.

Before they know it, their time is almost up.

"I want you to stay. I've forgotten how to sleep without you by my side." Sara pouts even though she knows she won't win and Tegan will have to go.

"I know, Sar. And you know i'd stay by you 24/7 if I could, but I don't wanna mess up any of your healing process."

"Well can I at least have your shirt or something? Your scent calms me and I need at least part of you here with me."

Tegan melts over Sara's comment, finding it completely adorable. She nods and lifts her shirt off her body, her undershirt riding up to just above her bellybutton, revealing all that she had done for Sara. Sara's fingers ghost over the short line of stitches and she looks up at her, ready to burst into tears, "I-It was you?"

"Yeah.. But please don't cry now, not when I have to leave you in a few minutes." Tegan pleads.

"N-no.." Sara sniffles, "They're h-happy tears. Now g-get down here so I can kiss you."

Tegan shoots a nervous glance at the doctor who's been standing in the corner the whole time watching their exchange. She doesn't want him to watch if he believes they're sisters, and even more so if it's actually true. But Sara doesn't leave Tegan any option but to obey by pulling on the wide neck of her undershirt forcing Tegan to hunch down.

Their faces a mere centimeter apart, Tegan searches Sara's eyes for anything different. Fortunately, everything still feels the same. It's just Sara before her, the love of her life, not her sister and she completely forgets about the doctor's watching eyes. The corners of Tegan's lips turn up into a giant grin and her thumbs wipe away the quickly drying tears on Sara's cheeks. Sara mimics her actions before finally pulling Tegan in that last centimeter, connecting their lips. Lost in the moment, Sara was about to take the kiss further when a light, but stern cough fills the silent room. She quickly draws back, turning scarlet, thinking the doctor is uncomfortable over two girls kissing, not at the sight of two sisters kissing.

An involuntary yawn escapes Sara's mouth and Tegan's swiftly being escorted back to her own room.

"I love you!" Sara quickly calls out at Tegan's retreating figure, angry at herself for forgetting to say the most obvious and important thing.

"I love you too! No matter what!" She hears Tegan's reply, puzzled over the 'no matter what' part. Her exhausted brain and body don't give her time to ponder it's meaning before she falls back asleep.


	10. Connect The Dots

Tegan stands in Sara's bathroom, trying to figure out exactly what it is that she finds wrong with her reflection. Something is wrong with her jaw, it's not as square as it should be. She runs her fingers from her each ear until they meet in the middle at her chin. Everything feels normal, it just must be a trick of the light or something, she thinks. She doesn't notice Sara wander in, stopping at the counter next to her.

"Good morning! What're you doing?" Sara leans over, grabbing her tooth brush, while watching Tegan stand stock still through the mirror.

"Hm? Oh, nothing. Sorry." Tegan snaps out of it, flicking her eyes over to Sara, realizing what it was about her face that was off. She wasn't looking back at her own face at all, it was Sara's. And now there are two Sara's looking at her. How could Sara not see it?

Freaked out, Tegan turns the faucet on and gathers a small pool of water in her hands. She splashes it onto her face, hoping that'll correct her hallucinations. She lifts her head back up, cautiously looking into the mirror. She sighs in relief when her own face is staring back at her again, and reaches for her own toothbrush. Out of the corner of her eye she notices a bunch of small black lines on her wrist. She flips her wrist over and sees the black circle; Sara's tattoos. Her breath picks up and she starts freaking out again. She scratches at the black ink and it starts to flake off, along with tiny pieces of her skin. She looks back up into the mirror and once again sees Sara's face staring back at her and her scratching becomes frantic, tearing away at both of her arms, hoping to peel away the skin that isn't hers until she's back to seeing herself.

Sara's been watching the whole exchange Tegan's been having with herself in silence, wondering what's going on with her. It isn't until she notices the blood on Tegan's arm that she intervenes, grabbing for Tegan's hands and yelling, "Tegan, what the hell are you doing! What's wrong with you?"

"Tegan! Tegan! Wake up!" Sara shouts at Tegan. She's straddling her and is desperately trying to get a good grip on her wrists to stop her from scratching up her arms more than she already has. When she gets a hold of them, she holds them out as far from Tegan's body as she can and yells one last time. Tegan's eyes fly open and her hands grab onto Sara's forearms, her fingers digging in impossibly hard. Sara winces and watches as Tegan's dilated pupils quickly shrink back to their normal size and connect with hers, both reflecting fear. Her chest is heaving and sweat is dripping down her face and neck.

Once Tegan realizes that it was just a dream and she's safe now, the tears begin to flow. She moves to press the heels of her palms into her eyes but Sara stops her.

"Tegan, no! You're bleeding. Come on, let's get you cleaned up."

Tegan looks at Sara, confused, then looks at her arms. There are scratches up both of them, and while they aren't very deep, a lot of them are bleeding. She sits up and lets Sara guide her to the bathroom.

Tegan sits on the toilet, trying to get the images of the dream out of her head, hoping Sara won't ask her about it. She'd thought she would be able to handle living with not telling Sara her secret, but apparently not. This dream isn't the first, and probably won't be the last but Tegan just doesn't know how to tell Sara. She knows Sara won't be able to push it to the back of her mind like she can and will probably mean they'll break up and never speak to each other again. There's no way Tegan could handle that.

Sara wets a washcloth and wipes all the blood from her arms. She finds some cream for the deeper scratches so they won't get infected and rubs it into red, raw skin. Tegan winces at a particularly deep scratch.

"Do they hurt?" Sara asks.

"No, just burns a little. I'll be fine." Tegan smiles assuringly towards Sara.

"Lay with me?" Sara questions once she's done cleaning everything up, the pair walking into her main room.

"No, I don't wanna hit your stomach if I move or something."

"It's been three weeks, Tegan, it's practically healed. Just come on, I need you close to me." Tegan sighs, giving in and crawling in behind Sara. She lies straight on her back with her arms at her side, afraid of just moving a little. Sara lightly rolls her eyes and snuggles into Tegan, lifting Tegan's arm up so she can slide in underneath. She lets Tegan's arm rest on her side and rests her own arm and Tegan's chest.

"What was your dream about?"

"Oh, uhm, I was in the woods and I was being attacked by a bunch of insects or something. I don't really remember." Tegan mumbles, wishing that was the truth.

They lay in silence and Tegan trails her pointer finger from each little purple and blue bruise to the next on Sara's arm that is resting on her chest. It's like playing connect the dots, and she isn't pleased with the picture it creates.

"I'm sorry I keep hurting you."

"Why would you even say that? You saved my life, Tegan."

"But none of this would have happened in the first place if it weren't for me."

"Hey! Listen to me. Everything that's happened in the last month couldn't even compare to the pain I would endure without you in my life."

Tegan turns her head and gives Sara a soft kiss on the top of her head. Minutes pass and for a while everything feels okay, until Sara breaks the silence.

"Tegan?"

"Yeah?" She mutters into Sara's hair.

"Is there something you're not telling me?"

"What makes you think there is?"

"I don't know. The nightmares.. You space out a lot.. Sometimes after we're intimate, even if it's just a kiss, you get this really sad and confused look on your face. I want you to tell me if there's something wrong. I thought we agreed there would be no secrets between us?"

"There might not even be an 'us' if I were to tell you."

"What? Why? Did you do something? Did you cheat? Did _I _do something?"

"No.. It's something neither of us could control or really did."

"Tegan, you're scaring me. What is it? Just tell me, i'm sure it's nothing we can't handle." Sara starts to panic, removing herself from Tegan's body and sitting up.

Tegan answers her by digging the thick envelope that holds their secret out of her backpack and tosses it on the bed next to Sara. After they got back from the hospital, she contacted the adoption agency to see if everything the doctor had said was true. It was, and now Sara was about to find out.

Sara looks quizzically over to Tegan, who's sitting on the couch with her head in her hands. She turns the envelope over in her hand, reading the return address for the agency.

"You found out who they were?" Sara asks, happy that Tegan took her advice and found out who they were. But what did this have to do with them?

"Yeah, but I wish I wouldn't have."

Sara ignores the comment, figuring it's just Tegan being her pessimistic self. She carefully slides the files out and examines the paper that sits on top. She scans over the paper, it's basic information on Tegan like her birthday, eye color, hair color, etc. and a list of all the different foster care houses she was in before getting adopted. Behind that is her birth certificate and behind that is another paper that looks just like the first, only this one is for a Sara Quin. It states that at 5 months Sara Quin was adopted by a Clark and Susan Bell. Sara's absolutely confused, those are her parents names, but she wasn't adopted, was she? She cautiously flips to the next page, a birth certificate for a Sara Quin and then another for a Sara Bell which looks identical to the one she has at home.

"Oh my god..."

"I know."

She picks the papers up, straightening them out, wanting them out of her sight when a small newspaper clipping falls and flutters onto her lap. She picks it up and unfolds it, reading what it says.

_Parents tragically killed in car accident, twin infants miraculously survive._

She continues reading. The article talking about how a there was a head on collision with a car and pick-up truck. The parents as well as the other driver were announced dead at the scene and the babies were clear of any injury save for a few minor bruises. The fate of the twins had yet to be determined and would be placed in foster care until further decisions could be made.

Sara's jaw drops, she can't believe anything that she's reading. It was all too crazy to be true, yet too crazy to make up. Tegan was her sister. Sara was in love and dating her sister.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.. you.. me.. we're..?"

"Yeah."

"Oh my god. I think i'm going to be sick." She drops the papers to the floor and dashes to the bathroom. She slams the toilet seat up and empties her stomach. Too much new information has entered her brain and she can't form any thoughts. She finishes and flushes the toilet, washing her hands in the sink. Tegan stands awkwardly in the doorway, she expected such a reaction from Sara but that doesn't mean she knows how to handle it. Sara turns and faces Tegan, looking pissed.

"Fucking hell Tegan.. I just.. how long have you known?"

"Almost a month." Tegan says quietly to the ground.

"Oh god. Okay, okay." Sara closes her eyes, taking a deep breath, "We're sisters. We've been dating for almost five months. We had sex." She opens her eyes and her head falls back. "God, we had _so much sex,_" she groans.

Sara pushes her way around Tegan and into the living room. She gathers the papers up and stuffs them back into then envelope and then back into Tegan's backpack. She finds any other items belonging to Tegan, shoving them into the backpack as well. When she's done, she hands Tegan her bag and Tegan reluctantly takes it, trying to hold back her tears because she knows what's coming.

"You need to go. I can't handle this with you around."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Tegan folds her arms over her chest, trying to keep her heart from falling out.

"I know I should say yes, but I don't know. Just please, leave. I'll try to call you in a few days."

Tegan walks into the kitchen and hesitates at the door. She turns around and looks at Sara, who is watching her every move. "I love you," Tegan tells her.

"I know."


	11. But You Love Me, Don't You?

Tegan hasn't seen or spoken to Sara since Sara asked her to leave and told her she'd call her in a few days. She never called, and it was driving Tegan insane. She doesn't know if they are in a relationship or not, or if they'll ever see each other again. After a week had gone by with no contact from Sara, Tegan called Jessie to see if she knew anything or knew where Sara was. Jessie wasn't much help, only telling Tegan that Sara gave her instructions to not tell her where she was. Tegan already knew Sara wasn't at her apartment and figured the only other place she would be was at her parent's house. The problem was that she had no clue where that was and knew the only way she would find out was to go through Sara's stuff at her apartment until she found it. Of course she felt guilty, but she found it easy to push it to the back of her mind.

Now Tegan finds herself outside Sara's parents home, confident that this is where she is.

She's amazed by the huge house in front of her. There's a spacious yard, multiple garages, and is three stories tall. She regrets never allowing Sara to talk about her own home life, this was too much of a shock as she gawked over the house even though Sara had nothing to do with it. Tegan now thought it was silly she was so against hearing about it, neither chose the environments they were raised in, if Sara had a happy childhood then she was glad for that. But part of Tegan still can't help but to resent the world and maybe even Sara, though it was completely irrational. Did Sara's parents know she had a twin? Did they lay them side by side and choose Sara over her? Why was she not good enough? It wasn't fair.

She presses the doorbell, hearing it faintly ring throughout the house. Wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans, she bounces from foot to foot, waiting impatiently.

Having never met Sara's parents and not knowing if Sara even told them about her, she's not sure how to act when the door finally opens. Before her stands a handsome, tall older man. He looks down at her small frame and smiles warmly.

"Can I help you?" He asks.

"Uhm.. Yes, I was wondering if Sara was here? Sara Bell?" Tegan tries to mimic his kindness. She watches for any hint of recognition, but finds none.

"She sure is," he holds the door open to allow Tegan to enter. "May I ask who you are?"

She quietly steps into the entryway. Or the foyer? She thinks that's the fancy name for it. She takes in her surroundings, noticing the spiral staircase leading upstairs and a grand chandelier hanging above her head.

"I'm Tegan." She says, still hoping she finds any remembrance in his eyes.

"Ah, Sara's mentioned you. Girlfriend, right?" He leads them up the stairs and stops in front of a door.

"I'm not sure, sir." She answers honestly. It's the first time she's vocalized about the fragile state and uncertainty of their relationship, and it hits her like a ton of bricks.

"Well you're not a boy so I can't threaten you with my rifle," he jokes, "but take care of her, girlfriend or not. Okay, Tegan?"

She nods and he makes his way back down the stairs. Her stomach is in knots and she knocks lightly on the door, ear pressed against it to listen for any movement. Since Sara doesn't know she's here, Tegan hopes she'll open the door, but she has no idea the condition Sara is in and if she'd open it all, for anyone.

She waits and waits. She puts her hand on the door knob to see if it's locked and finds that it isn't. She pushes the door open a crack and calls Sara's name. No response. She pushes further until there's enough room for her to squeeze through.

She steps in and looks around. The lights are off but she can easily tell Sara is not in here. However, there is a door on the right side of the room with light leaking in through he space between the bottom of the door and floor. She silently walks over and again leans her ear against the wood. It's barely audible but she can make out a faint rustling. She knocks but is still met with no response.

Opening the door slightly she sees that it's a bathroom. There's a large marble counter and a sink with a huge mirror. On the counter she notices a razor and clumps of hair scattered everywhere. Her stomach drops and she stands on tippy toes to see if she can see Sara or anything in the reflection of the mirror. She can see a hunched topless figure with short brown hair. It doesn't look like her but Tegan knows it is Sara.

"Sara?" She asks quietly.

Sara doesn't respond but Tegan sees her back muscles tighten for a second and the rustling stops.

Tegan takes a step forward to peer over Sara's shoulder but not close enough to be in touching distance. In front of Sara sits a glass of water and five neat little rows of various pills. Sara looks as if she's contemplating which will cause the most harm, and that she's chosen the winner, sitting in a pile on her open palm.

Tegan stretches her arm out to knock the pills away from Sara. "Sara! What are you-"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Sara roars and whips around, pushing Tegan to the floor.

Sara looms over her, her chest heaving, eyes black, hollow pits. Her only clothing, a pair of white cotton undies, hang loosely off her hips. She's lost an unhealthy amount of weight in such little time. The bags under her eyes make it obvious she's been suffering from insomnia. Tegan's terrified, she's never seen Sara like this, and it gives her little hope for the future.

"Can't we just talk, Sara?"

"Talk? What do you want to talk about, Tegan? How you lied to me about this for weeks? How I didn't know I was adopted? That you kept fucking me after knowing I was your sister? That you're so in love with me and still want to be together? That I love you just as much? I can't do this, Tegan. I can't be with you but I can't be without you either."

"So you're just going to kill yourself? That's real nice, Sar."

Sara crumbles at Tegan bringing to light the gravity of her actions. She collapses onto the floor next to Tegan and hysterical sobs rack through her whole body. Regretting her comment, Tegan's unsure of what to do, she wants to comfort her but that just might make it worse.

"Sara, hey. Let's get you into your bed, you'll feel better."

"Nothing will make me feel better." She protests, but doesn't object when Tegan scoops her up in her arms and carries her to her bed. She sets her softly down on the sheets and carefully tucks her in, sitting down next to her.

"Why did you do this?" Tegan runs her hand through the soft, half inch long hair on Sara's head.

"I don't know.. I got scared, and I thought it would make me stop seeing your reflection in the mirror." Sara rolls over to face away from Tegan, the moment too intimate for her.

"Did it work?" Tegan asks, knowing all too well why Sara did what she did.

"No."

Tegan sits fidgeting with her hands as silence fills the room. She thinks Sara's fallen asleep and doesn't know if she's allowed to stay, or if it's even a good idea. She's starting to stand when Sara pipes up.

"Does it look bad?" She quietly asks.

"No." Tegan answers, sitting back down.

"Don't lie."

"You could never be anything but beautiful, Sara." Tegan's not sure if that's an appropriate thing to say right now, but she's just being truthful. When Sara doesn't reply, Tegan takes it as her queue that she said the wrong thing and it's time for her to leave. She again stands and begins to walk towards the door.

"Are you leaving?"

"Do you want me to?"

"I don't know."

"I'll stay." Tegan says after mulling the options and consequences of each. She grabs a blanket off the edge of Sara's bed and sits down in the reading chair in the corner. She tries to make herself comfortable but it's impossible, though she knows this is much better than having to leave and go sleep in her own lonely apartment.

"Tegan?" Sara calls to the darkness minutes later, not sure if Tegan's still awake or not.

"Yes, Sara?" Tegan responds a moment later.

"Can you come here?" She questions. Tegan complies, walking to the side of the bed and hovering uncomfortably over Sara. "This doesn't mean anything's fixed or okay, but will you hold me?"

"Sara.. I don't know... "

"Please, Tegan. I just need... Need.." Sara trails off, not wanting to finish her sentence. Not wanting to say that she needs Tegan.

Tegan can't deny her when she sounds so sad and needy. She worms her way under the covers and presses her front flush against Sara's back, slinging her arm around her waist, searching for Sara's hand and knotting their fingers together when she finds it.

Tegan waits for an answer, but it doesn't come.

"Need what?" She presses, but is only answered with light snores, as Sara has fallen asleep.

Sara sits on her bed, watching Tegan sleep peacefully. She can't remember when she woke up but it's still in the early morning. She slept more than she has in the past week, though still not much, and she knows it's only because Tegan is here.

Sara lifts her hand and points one finger out, barely trailing it up and down Tegan's square jawline. It's the one feature Sara has found that completely sets them apart in looks. It was and still is her favorite physical part of Tegan. It's a bit masculine but she makes it look sexy.

Tegan twitches at the feeling of something on her face and she slowly opens her eyes, squinting at the bright sun. Sara draws her hand back and hugs her knees, she forgot to prepare herself for when Tegan woke up and they would have to talk.

"Oh, uhm, hi." Tegan sits up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, and remembering the event of yesterday. She swings a leg over the side of the bed, preparing to leave, "I should probably-"

"Do you want breakfast?" Sara blurts out.

"Really?" Tegan asks, surprised. She figured Sara would have told her to leave as soon as she had a chance. "Yeah, breakfast sounds good. Thanks."

Tegan lets Sara lead the way down the stairs and through the fancy house into a huge kitchen. Sara pulls out two bowls from a cupboard and fills them with cereal while Tegan waits on a stool at the island counter. She tries to come up with something to say but doesn't know what.

"You never told me you were so rich." She settles on lamely.

"Because i'm not. My parents are." Sara shoves a spoonful of cereal into her mouth after she slides Tegan's bowl across the counter to her. "There were a lot of things I didn't get to tell you."

"Sorry." Tegan says guiltily.

The two continue on eating in silence.

"How did we not see it?" Sara asks when she's finished, rinsing her bowl out in the sink.

"I don't know Sara, but we've got to do something."

"What do you want to do?" Sara regrets her question the moment it's passed her lips. She already knows the answer and doesn't need to hear it vocalized.

"I wanna be with you."

"Tegan.. we can't.. we're si- "

"I know, but no one else knows. The only ones that are going to stop us from being together is us, and I won't be that foolish. If I love you, I love you, I can't help that and neither can you. I don't know you as my sister and you don't feel like my sister, you feel like my best friend and the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with."

"Don't say that, Tegan."

"I'm serious, Sara."

"I know, and that's what worries me. I don't think it can be that easy for me."

"But you love me, don't you?"

"Of course I fucking love you. That's the problem!"

"Well i'm just one big fucking problem for you, aren't I?"

"That's not what i'm saying! Just be quiet and let me think for a minute!" Sara turns her body away from Tegan, elbows resting against her chest and hands covering her face, letting her thoughts sort themselves. "Okay, i'm not saying we're over, I don't want us to be over, but I just need some time to wrap my head around this. I can't justify it to myself as easily as you can."

"Isn't that what this past week was? Just face it Sara, we need each other, and we love each other." Tegan pushes. She doesn't want to spend any more time without Sara.

"Pushing me like that isn't going to help any. I promise i'll call this time, okay?"

"Can I at least have a hug?" Tegan sighs, letting it go. She knows Sara won't break her promise.

Sara presses her lips into a tight line, thinking it over. She should say no, and almost does, but even she doesn't want to decline the one last bit of comfort she'll get in who knows how long. She settles on an answer and nods slightly, holding her arms open for Tegan. Tegan smiles and hops off her stool, making her way around the counter and into Sara's waiting arms. Tegan wraps her arms around Sara's waist, pulling her in tight and Sara's arms hang loosely off Tegan's shoulders. Their foreheads rest against each other's and they stare deeply into the other's eyes, looking for any solution to their problem.

Tegan makes a bold move and presses her lips to Sara's. She revels in the familiar, comforting feeling for a few seconds before starting to pull away, not wanting to overstep the boundaries even more than she probably already has.

Sara lost all sense of boundaries when her lips connected to Tegan's. She can feel Tegan pulling away, but she doesn't want this to end. Sara loves the butterflies that fill her stomach every time her and Tegan touch, even though she knows she shouldn't anymore. Sara moves her hands up to cup Tegan's face, pressing their lips together harder and forcefully shoving her tongue into Tegan's mouth. The moan that escapes Tegan shocks Sara back into reality and she reels back, hitting the counter behind her, breathing heavily. Immediately she knows that shouldn't have happened, but she can't blame Tegan, she wasn't the one that took it further. She can't look up, she can't face what her actions meant and the inevitable outcome; that she's in love with her sister and the feeling's not going to go away.

Tegan feels the same guilt. She shouldn't have kissed Sara in the first place, but it's a good sign that what happened, happened. She gives one last kiss to the top of Sara's bowed head, her short hair tickling Tegan's lips.

"Don't forget what that feels like. I'll be waiting for you."


	12. Epilogue

**A/N: ** Here's the last chapter of IIHBFL. :) I hope everyone that took the time to read this enjoyed it! It's my first story I've ever completed and I'm pretty proud of it. Also, thank you to all who did read and left reviews, I really appreciate it! I'm always looking to improve so I'll listen to any criticism you have! :)_  
_

I'll be starting my next story _Under Your Skin _pretty quickly so check back for that (hopefully) within the next week!

_5 months later_

"I think we should put it over there." Tegan points to the space by the window in the empty bedroom.

"Right by the window? I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Because we'll have neighbors that'll be able to see right in here." Sara says, hoping Tegan understands what she is hinting at.

"Ohhh. Well I guess we'll just have to find other places to do it then, yeah?" Tegan steps behind Sara, placing her hands on Sara's hips and resting her chin on her shoulder. "There's the floor.. the couch.. the dining table.. the kitchen counter.. But i'm not entirely opposed to giving the neighbors a little show.."

"Tegan! That's naughty."

"Yeah? You wanna punish me?"

"Sure do, you can go drag our mattress in here and find some blankets and pillows for us because i'm not sleeping on the floor until everything is set up." Sara watches Tegan walk out of their new bedroom, shoulders slumped, grumbling about not receiving the punishment she was hoping for. Sara can't help but smile, happy that this is happening. She kept her promise to Tegan and called her a couple weeks later after some rather emotionally painful days. She couldn't bear being without Tegan, and grew increasingly tired over trying to come up with a solution other than just being with her. Eventually she gave up, knowing her only option was to be with her, no matter what. The journey since hadn't been smooth, but they were determined to make it work.

Somedays Sara would panic, not allowing Tegan to touch her in even the most innocent ways. In the beginning it would erupt in a fight but Tegan learned quickly that it was nothing Sara could help and Tegan would give her her space until she was okay again. But now those days were becoming far and few between.

"Do you think this was a good idea?" Tegan asks as she throws the pillows and blankets onto the new mattress lying in the middle of the room. Sara belly flops down onto the mattress, bouncing slightly before settling in on her side with her elbow propped up, holding her head. She pats the space next to her, gesturing for Tegan to lie down. Tegan lowers herself onto the bed in a much more gentle manner and lays on her back, head facing Sara.

"What? Moving in together? You know I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think so." Sara says, rubbing her hand gently up and down Tegan's forearm. "Why? Are you having second thoughts?"

"No! No. I just don't want this to be a mistake. The last few months have been really hard and intense, especially for you, and I couldn't handle it if you ran off again."

"I know, i'm sorry i've been difficult but i'm getting better, because like you said, if I love you, I love you. I can't run from that, I can't run from you. And I don't want to feel like I should. All I want is to be with the person that makes me happy, and if that person happens to be my sister, then so be it."

"Look at you being all philosophical and shit." Tegan smiles, ruffling Sara's short hair.

"Tegan, don't." Sara recoils at the playful contact, still not used to her short hair and the awful memories that come up every time she's reminded of just why it is so short, "But seriously, if it hadn't been for love, who knows where we'd be now."

"Probably in the darkest pits of Hell, because that's what it's like without you. And it's growing out nicely. You look cute. You always look cute."

"I look like a boy." Sara protests.

"Eww, in that case go away. I don't want a boyfriend. They have cooties." Tegan teases, rolling the other way and ignoring Sara.

"Hey! Okay! I look like a girl!" Sara whines, throwing an arm and and leg over Tegan, burying her face in between Tegan's shoulder blades, "I'm your girlfriend! I don't have cooties!"

"Is that so? You're my girl?"

"Yeah!"

"You know what I like to do with my girl?" Tegan smirks, rolling on top of Sara, holding herself up on her elbows and her legs resting in between Sara's.

"No." A huge grin forms on Sara's face, "what?"

"Well sometimes..." Tegan says slowly, teasing Sara. "Sometimes I like to..." She trails off, twirling a chunk of Sara's hair in between her fingers, staring deep into her eyes.

"Like to..?" Sara squirms impatiently.

Tegan closes the gap between their faces and firmly, but gently kisses Sara on the lips. Tegan smiles and pulls away, "Sometimes I like to do that." The goofy smile Sara gives Tegan could make Tegan cry for hours with joy. She leans down again and whispers in Sara's ear, "And sometimes I like to tell her I love her.."

"Your girl likes it when you tell her that."

"Does she now? Well be sure to let her know that I love her, a lot."

"I will," Sara giggles. "And i'm sure she would say the same thing back."

"Awh, well isn't she sweet."

"The sweetest."

"Mmm, and don't I know it." Tegan winks, causing Sara to blush.

Tegan shifts her weight and sits up, leaning back on Sara's knees. She takes hold of each of Sara's hands in her own and pulls her up into a sitting position. Sara wraps her arms around Tegan's middle and rests her cheek against Tegan's chest, breathing in her scent. Tegan rests her chin on the top of Sara's head, happening to glance up at the window.

"Oh god.." Tegan whispers to herself, making eye contact with the person at the window opposite theirs in the apartment complex next to theirs. "You were totally right."

"Hm?" Sara murmurs against Tegan's chest.

"Our neighbor is creeping on us and he's old and gross. Ugh, Sara, make him stop!"

"_You_ were the one that wanted to be watched!" Sara giggles at Tegan's mini freak out. "C'mere, I have a plan."

Tegan bows her head, listening to Sara's plan being whispered in her ear. She grins and hops up onto her feet, holding her hand out to aide Sara in joining her. They switch positions so Tegan's back is now facing the window. They begin kissing, Sara slowing pushing Tegan until she bumps the window sill. She pulls away and puts her hands on Tegan's shoulders, applying pressure downward until Tegan is on her knees, eye level with Sara's pussy. Sara watches the neighbor as Tegan undoes her belt and jeans, slowly pulling them down, along with her undies to her knees. The neighbor now has a view of the sides of Sara's small, naked round hips and thighs being caressed by Tegan's hands. She's careful not to move her head too much, only wanting to mess with him, not actually give him a show. Sara runs a hand through Tegan's hair, gripping the back of her head and pushing it into her crotch further. She watches as the old man eyes her up until their eyes meet and she smiles wickedly, biting her lip. She can tell there are movements going on under where the window stops and she has to hold back from gagging.

She waits for him to return the smile before flashing him the finger and pulling the shades down in one swift movement.


End file.
